“I’m Not Sure If This Marriage Can Be Repaired Because Of My Husband’s Family Of Origin Issues…”

Ask Larry, by Larry Bilotta

Chelo’s Question For Larry….

Dear Larry:

I have been reading your material for a few weeks. We are not legally married but we did get married in a celtic pagan ceremony this last summer. We have known each other for four and a half years. The first few months I was over the moon as he is a gentle creative man and I felt I could open up in his presence.

Sex was great, we shared music, family histories (though he said he had forgotten most of his childhood) But soon after this I started noticing akward phrases such as: I’m so happy! but i know this won’t work. It took two years to get to the stage where he opened up but the more he started opening up about feelings and family history (He lost a girlfriend that later committed suicide) the more he started switching moods…I always felt that all this was about someone else in his past and that all this was being transferred to me . Then i met his parents…alot to say there as father was totally silent and mother very self self centred.

These days he sees connection about the way things were and his moods and nightmares…but every week he goes through a proccess where he says its all this relationship, he cannot be with me, and then as I’m upset in tears and ready to find a place to rent (as I live in his beautiful place where I have put so much work, with our cats and dog) then he says something has changed inside him, he feels grounded and more real and all the sutff he has said before does seem absurd.

One moment he says he could be gay, then, he may be meant to be alone, then he says he feels relaxed with everybody but me…then he again to the ‘grounded’ non stressed stage. I have been feeling very depressed, frustrated and sick and I feel quite hopeless. I come from a very abusive background and I thought for first time (I’m 50) I was building something real. Now sexual intimacy is also gone but cuddles are still there. I feel grieved and confused. I wish I could talk to someone in Ireland or follow up some affordable course as money is scarce also. I am not sure if this marriage can be repaired at all as so much family of origin stuff is getting in. I feel anxious, angry and tearful and go through an emotional rollercoaster that does not help to communicate. This is not the affair/money spending/alcohol typical case and I don’t know anymore what to do.

Larry’s Answer:

Hi Chelo,

Every week from around the world I get people who tell me this story. Details are different but here’s what is the same: They fall in love with a person but did not know anything about their childhood.

Even if they find something out about that childhood like you did, they don’t know what it means to their future. I go into detail to explain this in my video “Why You Fight”.

It’s really not about fighting as we think of it, yelling etc. Your husband is not a fighter. He is an emotionally damaged man from a pain filled childhood. Today, there is a ball of instruction in his brain that is demanding that he get back to “Normal”, and normal is the conditions of his childhood.

That ball is driving him, tormenting him and he has no idea what it is. You’re on the receiving end of this ball of instruction and it’s painful. The ball is not him and he is not the ball. That’s why it’s so confusing to you now.

I’d encourage you to watch the ten minute video “Why You Fight” to understand the ball of instruction and the power of those first ten years. You can hear more about this subject by listening to the internet radio interviews I did with people I call Chaos Kids. The audio interviews can be found here.

Thanks for your question Chelo.

Until next time,

To a LESS stressful and MORE fulfilling marriage,

Larry Bilotta