Most emotional affairs start out as an innocent friendship. You see each other often, go out to lunch every now and then, share your thoughts and feelings with each other…so where’s the harm in that?
For starters, just like a drug…emotional affairs can be ADDICTING.
It’s true. There is actually a powerful hormone released during sexual attraction. It has been scientifically proven that this “mating chemical” is released to ensure that the population continues to grow.
This “addiction” begins when you start to think about this other person, even when they’re not around. You look forward to seeing them again because you’re addicted to the way this person makes you feel.
Take a look at the following list of feelings that are typical in an emotional affair….
- I feel loved
- I feel accepted
- I feel important
- I feel understood
- He/she laughs at my jokes
- Encourages me to do what I am good at
- Notices my accomplishments
- Physically attractive
- Allows me to be who I am
- I can say anything without being judged
- I feel content and comfortable
- I’m very excited about meeting again for more
With all this in mind, what do you think the chances are of two people feeling this way about each other for an entire lifetime?
That’s right…slim to none!
After all, an emotional affair is really just an illusion, a fantasy…a DRUG.
Let’s take a closer look at what the true definition of ‘drug’ REALLY is…
DRUG: “Often an illegal substance that causes addiction, habituation, or a marked change in consciousness.”
Up until now, when someone mentions the word “drug”, you immediately think of the illegal substances that people go to jail for. But according to the above definition, a drug is an “illegal substance that causes ADDICTION, habituation or a marked change in CONSCIOUSNESS.
Let’s face it; an emotional affair is not technically “illegal”, but if you’re married and pursuing an emotional affair, you’re acting “illegally” because you’re breaking the moral law of the legal institution of marriage.
Add to this, the fact that there IS a change in consciousness when you or your spouse is involved in an emotional affair. Your perception of this person is inaccurate because of the hormone that’s released during sexual attraction.
The truth is, when you’re under the influence of this drug; this emotional affair, the two of you may fantasize about your beautiful future together but one thing is certain….
You do NOT talk about reason, facts, reality, responsibility and life as it actually is. These topics are ‘off limits’ when you’re “drugged” by an emotional affair.
But here’s what’s really ironic…
You get all the short-term benefits of the wonderful drug-induced feelings during an emotional affair, but even if you were to leave your spouse and marry this other person, you’d most likely wind up in the same place you are right now…married and MISERABLE.
To put it bluntly, if you choose to marry or get involved with someone based on how they make YOU feel “in the moment”…you’re setting yourself up for failure.
During an emotional affair, there is no discussion of each other’s values, habits or beliefs….in other words, the foundation of a strong relationship.
Yes, you may have SOME things in common, but the fact is; you’re putting your marriage in jeopardy based on the short-term feelings that this ‘drug’ creates.
You’re putting your family at risk because you think this other person can meet your needs better than your spouse does.
Now don’t get me wrong, this article is NOT meant to lecture you in any way if you are the one involved in an emotional affair. I completely understand that you feel you’ve been driven to this emotional affair by the person you married.
And I agree; it’s not 100% your fault. You expected to get married and have all your needs met. But to your surprise, your needs were NOT met, but instead neglected, ignored and ridiculed.
You may even feel as if this emotional affair is like taking a vacation from the Hell you’ve been forced to live in. You just want relief – you want to feel loved. Who could blame you? Doesn’t everyone want to be happy?
With that said, you still need to face up to reality and find a way to stay married AND get your needs met too….or you’ll end up in this same predicament down the road.
After all, marriage shouldn’t be all about dull and boring life routines like laundry, what’s for dinner and car pools. You need to get your marriage back to the way it was when the two of you first met.
Whether it is YOU…or your spouse who is involved in an emotional affair, since you are reading this article, chances are, you want to do something about it.
If you want to pick up the pieces of your “old” relationship and create a much deeper “new” marriage with your spouse, start by understanding the person you married and the values he or she lives by. Most people don’t know this, but our value system is formed during our first 8-10 years of life. The values you live by today are a direct result of the way your parents lived when you were young.
If you didn’t like the way your mother ran the house like a military bootcamp, today you run a very relaxed household. On the other hand, if your childhood home was always a mess, and this bothered you as a kid, today your home is likely very organized, clean and tidy.
STEP 1) The first step I want you to take right now is to watch a FREE video I created that will help you see your spouse in a whole new light because you’ll finally understand…
- WHY…your spouse is so sensitive to yelling
- WHY…your spouse gets upset when you spend money
- Or WHY….your spouse hates conflict so much.
Whatever your “hot button” issues are, you need to uncover the SOURCE of these issues instead of dealing with the SYMPTOMS.
This video, titled ” Why You Fight: Discover Your Invisible Lifestyle Today”, will show you how…
NOTE: If the video WILL NOT play on your computer, CLICK HERE to download the video to your computer. (Right click on the link and then choose save as.)
(This should resolve that issue, but please allow the video enough time to download because it is a large file.)
STEP 2) Next, after you’ve watched the video, I strongly suggest you sign up for my FREE 7 Secrets email mini-course so you can learn how to eliminate that “little voice inside your head” that tells you your spouse is “the enemy”.
If you are involved in an emotional affair, you’ve probably noticed that your spouse has some problems this “little voice” too, but so does the other person in the emotional affair…you just can’t see it right now because you’ve been “drugged” by the emotional affair.
Just remember, an emotional affair is a drug….it is NOT reality. You CAN make those wonderful drug-induced feelings a REALITY between you and your spouse when you start learning how to first, uncover each others’ Invisible Lifestyle values and second, learn how to eliminate your negative feelings in 60 seconds.
About Larry Bilotta:
Larry Bilotta has been teaching couples how to restore their loveless marriages since 1995. Back in the 90’s, Larry was suffering MISERABLY in a loveless marriage.
He needed a way to reduce the stress, anxiety and tension in his marriage. Not because he was devoted to his wife, but because he needed to maintain his own SANITY. Larry’s wife didn’t believe in divorce…but at the same time, she told him he could leave her…in a body bag!
Needless to say, Larry set out on a mission to find a REAL solution to their ongoing struggles. And after 27 years of misery – he finally found it. Today, Larry and his wife have been happily married for 34 years…and they’re closer than ever.
Larry is one of the few marriage experts who actually transformed his OWN marriage and today, holds the key to bringing back a marriage from the brink of divorce – even AFTER the papers have been filed.
At the core of Larry’s teachings is his “secret method” that allows individuals to transform themselves from the inside out, and positively influence their spouse as a result. By learning to eliminate their negative feelings in just 60 seconds, Larry has taught individual spouses how to completely change the environment of the marriage through his Environment Changer program for the past 15 years.
3 Responses
This article is great, but it’s directed towards the spouse that’s having the emotional affair. The problem is that they don’t realize they’re having the emotional affair, so they don’t want to do anything about it.
My husband is having an emotional affair and doesn’t realize it. How do I deal with it? How does he come to see the ironies of the emotional affair? I can’t tell him because I’m the nagging voice in his head. What can the spouse do to help repair the marriage in this situation? I love and accept him unconditionally, but he doesn’t think so.
Hi Cindy,
When you have a husband who is doing something clearly wrong, you become a nag when you threaten him in a yelling tone that condemns him. Of course a man who isn’t faithful to his wife should be condemned because he deserves it. Unfortunately, that does not get a woman what she wants. What she wants is a man who is tuned into her feelings and is a good provider financially.
When you marry a man whose childhood included a troubled father, a troubled mother or both, you are marrying a damaged human being with very negative instructions in his brain on how to be married. Your marriage is not the results of what you do in your adult life. The quality of your marriage is the result of the programs you are both given in childhood. These determine the happiness level and the length of your marriage.
Because a man does not respond at all to punishment, you’ll need to take on a question strategy that asks him questions in a most pleasant tone. Picture yourself meeting your husband at a wedding and the two of you getting into a social conversation in a group. If you were interested in him, you would ask him lots of questions to learn what he thinks. That turns out to be the right strategy now in this time of his marriage moral crisis.
Good questions that a wife could ask without judging her husband sound like this:
“As you look at your past and think about things that could hurt a marriage, in line with your value system, what kinds of regrets would you have that you would not do again if you had the choice?”
“Everybody is trying to find out how to be happy. What do you think is the most important thing to you in being happy. Is it what you do or is it what someone else does to you?”
“What do you think is the most painful thing I have ever done to you and how could I somehow make it right?”
“If you have a choice of taking responsibility for what you did versus placing blame on what somebody else did, which way would you lean most of the time and why?”
“Let’s say there was a scale with 100% being a lot and zero being none, how would you rate my ability to understand your male needs and learn how to support them?”
“What is one thing you could have done in our marriage to put us in a better place today, but you just didn’t happen to realize it at the time but see it now as you look back?”
“How did your father show you to treat a woman by the way he treated your mother?”
These are all thought provoking, non-threatening questions that can be asked in a calm conversation. You can even present them as questions you found on the Internet to help married couples communicate in a better way. The tension I felt in your e-mail is not a good way to live and these questions could begin to cut that tension down if your husband is not so far gone that he will still participate in answering. I’m also going to assume that you will make him feel safe from judgment and hopefully he will do the same for you.
Larry
Hi Larry,
Enjoyed reading the above article. My husband of 14 years has been in a emotional/physical affair for nearing 12 months with my ex best friend. He had only known her for about 4 weeks when the affair began, so it all happened very quickly. I found out about the affair nearly 9 months into it, and when I confronted him about it he admitted to it and said it was over, although he was in love with her and did n’t want to be married to me etc… said he loved me but was not in love with me. Loved me because I am the mother of his children etc.. and how could he not as we have a history together!
He moved out of home, not with OW, down to where he works as it is his family business in a little room. We continued to see each othr every day, has dinner with me and kids and spend weekends together as well. All the time I thought that the affair was over only to find out 6 weeks later that it wasn’t, but they had ended it again and it was different thisa time around.
Stupidly I believed him and was so very proud of him as he was in the no contact phase with her and was struggling but getting better. I was so proud of him. Once again only to find out 2 weeks ago that they have been seen together at a night club at 2 am and in other areas around town. I am devestated and yet I still feel so positive about our marriage.
He is deeply sorry and his deepest desire is to be with me and our children, he just needs to learn to let go of his love for OW and he is not sure he can do this and re learn to love his wife.
We live in a small country town where driving into the shopping area the possiblility of seeing OW is high, be it at the shops or the dr’s or just driving by etc… we also attend church each Sunday and she is there as well with her separated husband and 4 children. So even if they do really end it again with no talking or any kind of contact they see each other visually all the time, which I don’t think helps at all.
My husband works locally and hates his job. Wants out and will leave eventually. I know he really wants to end things with OW and be wiht his family, but how does he do that when he is so in love with her and not his wife. He said they have talked about marriage with each other and the not idealistic situation it would be as she has 4 children and we have 4 children plus add onto that 2 ex spouses being involved etc… My husband not living with his children and missing them etc, giving up the dreams we had and wanted as well. He says he knows that we can be happy together too as long as we are both comitted to complete honesty with each other and not take each other for granted and make time for each other.
My biggest concern is how does he stop breaking and going back to her when she is the woman he loves and has become more important to him than me, his wife. And how do we do this when we all live close together and see each other? I have asked him to come home, he can sleep in another room and have his space to eleviate some temptation etc… he is worried he will feel like a caged rat.
The funny thing in all of this is that the situation we are in, we have been intimate regularly enough, he initiates as I don’t want to make him feel awkward. He will hug me and we cry together and talk. It really is very ironic.
Anyway, just a little of what is going on and I am very unsure how to handle all this. I hope you will have some advice or ways I can deal better with how to handle our sitiation.
Thanks. Donna