Part 2 of 2: What Every “Good Husband” Should Know About His Wife
Welcome to another edition of “The Insider’s Guide To a Happy Marriage”. Today we’ll be covering what every “good husband should know about his wife.
WOMEN AND FINANCIAL SECURITY: Need #1
In any mall in America, you’ll clearly see that it’s women who are doing the buying. All by themselves, American women alone are the largest economy in the world, ahead of the second largest economy in the world…the nation of Japan.
Women enjoy buying things to create attractive homes and make children and others happy. This includes giving gifts which most women love to do. For all this beauty and gift giving, women need to shop.
Men find this hard to understand, but for women, shopping becomes a mix of challenge (finding the best buy), joy (discovering something a loved one would love) and need (the urgency of food and shelter). Women are not obsessed with money. It’s not the money they want.
What they want is:
- The beauty that money creates in their homes.
- The clothes, shoes and products that make them personally attractive as well as making the lives of their families more enjoyable. (Watch and listen to those who call in to QVC shopping channel for proof of this).
- The comments and admiration they get from friends and relatives.
- The reaction that children and adults have to a thoughtful gift they give.
- They want to know that everyone will eat, everyone has appropriate clothing and everyone can go out to eat, which women love to do because it brings them together.
For women, Financial Security also means the same as when men think of the term. Women want to know that the family’s future has been secured because home, life, health, dental, disability, car and long term care insurance policies are all paid for. Their financial security also requires savings accounts and retirement funds.
IT ALL COSTS MONEY.
For women, Financial Security is the need to have these warm feelings that support their relationships. Take this away from a woman and you’re destroying one of her greatest needs.
Men don’t understand women’s version of Financial Security. Men cannot understand women’s great interest in beauty or things such as owing multiple pairs of shoes when men have so few.
Just like women make the big mistake of robbing their husbands from respect, men make the mistake of not supporting their wives’ need to create beauty and support their relationships.
When men do this, they’re actually DESTROYING their wives’ financial Security. Because men can live without the things women call a priority, men make the big mistake of concluding that women should be the same way.
In a troubled marriage, husbands often destroy their wife’s hope by not giving her the two greatest needs she requires, while the wife acts as if her husband’s needs just don’t matter.
But what surprises me most is how SHOCKED they are when they discover that because they’re so busy trying to get their own needs met, they’ve completely overlooked their spouse’s needs. And they both totally unaware of it!
WOMEN AND EMOTIONAL SECURITY: NEED #2
This is the mystery need…the most complex one of all. Describing it with a single term is an illusion….it makes this need seem simple.
But THIS NEED is FAR from simple.
The reason?
Emotional security requires a “secret recipe “with 5 ingredients that men very rarely understand. What further complicates this for a man is that women have NO IDEA how to explain their own need for emotional security to their husbands!
Let’s look at the Key to a Woman’s Heart: The “Recipe” for Her Emotional Security.
Ingredient #1: Thoughtfulness
Now every woman has her own way to describe this but generally, she wants a man thinking of her not only when she’s NOT around, BUT ALSO…when she IS.
When a man understands that thoughtfulness will make his wife truly happy, he will make her breakfast sometimes, take her out for coffee when she least expects it, notice that she is tired and take over some of her normal chores, give her surprise back rubs at the kitchen table, bring her home a relevant little gift on a Tuesday and so much more.
This is a key part of her ability to feel emotionally secure. But do you know what’s ironic about this?
All those things I described above are what husbands do when they’re trying to win over their wives in the first place….BEFORE marriage.
It’s a mystery to men why they stop this behavior once they cross over the line of marriage.
Ingredient #2: Thoughtfulness for others
Women are not just into themselves but also their children, relatives, friends, pets, anything or anyone that can be cared for. When a man takes an interest in asking about any person she cares about and does it with CONCERN, she lights up like a Christmas tree.
Let me break this down for men….In “man talk”.
Caring for the people YOUR WIFE cares about is a big “turn on”. 
Think and talk positively about the people and things she cares about and you will be creating emotional security for the woman of your life.
Ingredient #3: Listening
Everyone knows that women love to talk, but that’s not the part that women love. What they love is having someone listen with interest as they talk.
Men make the mistake of believing that women are talking in order to communicate important information. THEY ARE NOT!
Women do not talk for the purpose of exchanging information. That is just a side task. Women talk because they are wired to pour themselves into other people.
They do that by talking and having a caring person listen to anything that comes out of their mouth.
What a woman says is NOT the issue. This is NOT about “communicating”.
When you as a man listen to your wife, you’re creating emotional security. Every time you listen and say “Oh, no kidding!” or “So then what did you do?”, you’re fulfilling one of your wife’s greatest needs by allowing her to, in effect, pour herself into you.
Ingredient #4: Safety
Women want to feel PHYSICALLY safe. Part of what attracts a woman to a particular man is that he makes her feel protected.
He will stand up for her against anyone who would hurt her. Even more important than being PHYSICALLY safe, women want to feel EMOTIONALLY safe.
This is a tough job for a man.
In order to find out how emotionally safe a woman is with her man, just check her “Safe Score”.
Do this by asking one question: “How safe do you feel on a 100% to 0% scale with 100% being that you can say anything you want to me, any WAY you want, any TIME you want and you won’t even have a hint of fear, of reprisal, attack or criticism? If that description would be 100%, what’s your score?”
In my experience with couples, miserably frustrated women give scores of around 5% to 40%. A DISMAL average and a key predictor of the one million, five-hundred thousand divorces that happen every year in America.
Ingredient #5: Encouragement
Women want their man to notice what they are attempting to do, trying to become and making every effort to improve. A woman wants her man to show that even her little attempts to be successful at anything (losing weight, dressing up, new hair style, cooking efforts, entertaining skills, gift choices, etc.,) are good, better and even best.
When her man is constantly noticing her, he will look for things he can encourage no matter how small. In fact, the smaller the better.
Thoughtfulness of her, of others, listening, safety and encouragement are the secret recipe that creates emotional security for a woman.
SO WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?
While I was explaining a man’s 2 greatest needs and a woman’s 2 greatest needs, did you notice something?
- If you’re a woman, did you get that inner resentment churning against your man because he has been starving you of your Financial Security, Emotional Security or both?
- If you are a man reading about your wife’s 2 greatest needs, did you feel something inside that just repelled what you were reading? Did you feel full of contempt and say to yourself “Stop reading this garbage because you haven’t had Respect or Sexual Intimacy in what feels like ages?”
If you had these feelings, it is a confirmation and RED FLAG that you have driven far down the wrong road. Now it’s time for you take a whole new route.
I hope this newsletter will be a wake-up call for BOTH of you.
(IF…your spouse is willing to read it that is.)
Which reminds me… if your spouse has already filed for divorce, or has even considered the “D” word, DO NOT “force feed” this newsletter (or any other materials for that matter) to your spouse.
If he or she is not open to any kind of marriage help right now, ANY and EVERY effort you make to try to change their mind will be met with rejection which could make things even WORSE.
People are only open to learning when they are ready. And if your spouse is not open right now, it’s up to YOU to save your family alone. (This IS possible. I am living proof that it only takes ONE to heal a marriage and I teach students how to do the same through my Environment Changer program.
By now, you’ve learned that you each have VERY different responsibilities in your relationship. You must start meeting these needs if want to fix your marriage.
If you’ve read this far and you feel resentment and a definite lack of goodwill toward your spouse, you are in this picture…
Notice how both the man and woman are spending all their energy complaining about how their own needs are not being met. That wall represents the big obstacle they both can’t break through. Taking that wall down means you both must do something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than you have been doing.
You must take down that wall and build a “two lane highway” that flows in BOTH directions.
Notice that the highway is flowing in both directions because of something called the “3 Core Definitions” that define each of your two greatest needs. There is now communication between husband and wife. There is now a clear path over what used to be a dead end.
THE TURNAROUND PLAN
Building these two ‘highways’ will require both desire and work from both of you. The link below will take you to an article that will teach you how to discover your 3 Core Definitions for both of your needs. Once you’ve created these definitions, you’ll follow a specific “blueprint” over time so you can teach each other how to meet your 3 Core Definitions consistently.
To get started, you’ll just need the article titled How A Man and Woman Can Find and Fulfill Their 2 Greatest Needs.
Click that link and get your copy of the report.
I guarantee, once you start meeting your spouses needs, it will take on a whole new meaning because for the first time – in a long time – you’ll be acting selflessly and making sacrifices for your spouse.
Now if THAT’S not love, I don’t know what is.
Until next time,
To a LESS stressful and MORE fulfilling marriage,
Larry Bilotta
Developer of the “Environment Changer Program -
Stop Your Divorce Today – Without Your Spouses’
Participation Even AFTER The Papers Have Been Filed
——-> www.stopyourdivorcein4weeks.com
About Larry Bilotta:
Larry Bilotta has been teaching couples how to restore their loveless marriages since 1995. Back in the 90’s, Larry was suffering MISERABLY in a loveless marriage.
He needed a way to reduce the stress, anxiety and tension in his marriage. Not because he was devoted to his wife, but because he needed to maintain his own SANITY. Larry’s wife didn’t believe in divorce…but at the same time, she told him he could leave her…in a body bag!
Needless to say, Larry set out on a mission to find a REAL solution to their ongoing struggles. And after 27 years of misery – he finally found it. Today, Larry and his wife have been happily married for 34 years…and they’re closer than ever.
Larry is one of the few marriage experts who actually transformed his OWN marriage and today, holds the key to bringing back a marriage from the brink of divorce – even AFTER the papers have been filed.
At the core of Larry’s teachings is his “secret method” that allows individuals to transform themselves from the inside out, and positively influence their spouse as a result. By learning to eliminate their negative feelings in just 60 seconds, Larry has taught individual spouses how to completely change the environment of the marriage through his Environment Changer program for the past 15 years.
Share Your Feedback With Larry!
5 Responses
Thank you Larry. I appreciate reading your newsletter and website. I think I have given up. I have read so much, gone to counselling and tried to save the marriage by myself many times over. It seems that perhaps I feel so beat down that I have finally given up after 15 (11 years married). I do believe that my husband is committment phobic. No matter what I do it seems that eventually I get emotionally tired and exhausted trying to do the right thing. I feel like I just cannot be good enough long enough to accomplish being my husbands’s wife. He is wired for social events and seems to like having me as an armpiece but won’t ever allow me to be close when it is just the two of us. If I approach him with hugs and attention he gives me a cold reponse yet notices other women showing public display’s of attention as though that is what he wants. He does not even remember when I’ve tried to give him public displays of attention. He has witheld sexual intimacy for years. I cannot ask or tell him that “I need” anything or he runs extremely fast in the opposite direction. He threatens divorce when he is angry. If I respond to his request he does not act like he cares if that were to happen, yet if I respond by letting him know that I’m sure he does not mean it he keeps me thinking he’s just staying because that is the path of least resistence but he would never say “I love you” and thank you for your efforts. So I feel like I’m a door mat and continue to grovel for what? We are separated now although he is living on the same property. I’m allowing myself to finally mourn the loss of this relationship because I think I am so very tired. Please don’t get me wrong…I know I am contributing to this demise somehow but just not sure I am good enough or can be good enough long enough and do what I think he needs long enough to make it. I would appreciate your reply.
Hi SanDee,
Let’s summarize how you felt being on the receiving end of your husbands actions over the last 15 years that has left you feeling hopeless and unloved:
-You feel beat down -finally giving up after 15 years of knowing him.
-Your socially conscious husbands wants you as an arm piece in public.
-He will not allow your to be close to him in private.
-He resists your attempts at affection.
-He comments on how other wives show affection to their husbands and how good that is.
-Privately he withholds sexual intimacy.
-He does not want to hear what your need.
-He stays because it’s the path of least resistance.
-He never says thank you or I love you.
-He is very judgmental of your in private.
You have just described the famous “loveless marriage”. It’s not violent or full of conflict, it’s just dead. Question is, how did this happen?
I want you to know that if I could have the two of you complete your Flag Pages and The Invisible Lifestyle and I would know EXACTLY how you ended up here, and exactly what you needed to do to change course. Right now, I can’t know how it happened. I’m telling you this because I want you to know there is no mystery to this. It’s predictable.
The predictableness of it begins with the first ten years of your lives. I’d encourage you to listen to my radio interviews with what I call Chaos Kids. These are people who did not have a positive or nurturing first ten years. The secret is, if those ten years are bad, your entire adult life will suffer and the place that suffering will take place is your intimate relationship.
I have much more to say on this but in the mean time, you’ll get some understanding of your husband and yourself at http://www.fulfilledcouple.com/blog . List to the Chaos Kid Radio Interviews. You should also watch the video Why You Fight.
Thanks for writing SanDee,
Larry
Larry — I really like your articles and clarity. I am seperated from my husband of 17 years. I haven’t seen him for a 1 year and 2 months. We are living is seperate states. I feel like we are slipping away. How do I meet his needs when he says that we don’t have a relationship, we are not married and there is no hope for us, our marriage failed. He came into town to see his family and didn’t tell me. We work on financial issues together and he says that he will do that and stay professional, he will help me financially until I secure my job but that’s it. I need some help on what to do now. I am holding a space of hope and possiblity for renewal and yet, I know he is very rational (engineers mind). What do you suggest that I do?
Larry, i applied for your second chance interview, and while not able to afford your program, found the interview enlightening! I have done nothing but all the wrong things since that interview, and now will more than likely face a divorce with a woman who hardly wants to be my friend, much less work with me on raising our three children, but will advise all who can afford this program, do so and give it your best shot at working!
John,
You said you did all the wrong things after we talked, but in truth, you just Treating her the way your father always treated your mother because that is the ball of instruction in your brain. If you are like most men I talk to, that program from your father is simply a marriage killer. You had no idea. I hope you can do all you can to secure your kids. Thank you for your kind endorsement.
Larry