Comments on: Part 2 of 2: What Every “Good Husband” Should Know About His Wife http://youcansavethismarriage.com/blog Free Marriage Advice on How To Fix Your Marriage Mon, 09 Jan 2012 18:52:15 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.1 By: Larry Bilotta http://youcansavethismarriage.com/blog/every-good-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-106 Larry Bilotta Mon, 10 May 2010 20:43:34 +0000 http://youcansavethismarriage.com/blog/?page_id=159#comment-106 John, You said you did all the wrong things after we talked, but in truth, you just Treating her the way your father always treated your mother because that is the ball of instruction in your brain. If you are like most men I talk to, that program from your father is simply a marriage killer. You had no idea. I hope you can do all you can to secure your kids. Thank you for your kind endorsement. Larry John,

You said you did all the wrong things after we talked, but in truth, you just Treating her the way your father always treated your mother because that is the ball of instruction in your brain. If you are like most men I talk to, that program from your father is simply a marriage killer. You had no idea. I hope you can do all you can to secure your kids. Thank you for your kind endorsement.

Larry

]]> By: John http://youcansavethismarriage.com/blog/every-good-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-92 John Tue, 04 May 2010 20:48:12 +0000 http://youcansavethismarriage.com/blog/?page_id=159#comment-92 Larry, i applied for your second chance interview, and while not able to afford your program, found the interview enlightening! I have done nothing but all the wrong things since that interview, and now will more than likely face a divorce with a woman who hardly wants to be my friend, much less work with me on raising our three children, but will advise all who can afford this program, do so and give it your best shot at working! Larry, i applied for your second chance interview, and while not able to afford your program, found the interview enlightening! I have done nothing but all the wrong things since that interview, and now will more than likely face a divorce with a woman who hardly wants to be my friend, much less work with me on raising our three children, but will advise all who can afford this program, do so and give it your best shot at working!

]]> By: Jacqueline http://youcansavethismarriage.com/blog/every-good-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-10 Jacqueline Fri, 07 Aug 2009 23:14:08 +0000 http://youcansavethismarriage.com/blog/?page_id=159#comment-10 Larry -- I really like your articles and clarity. I am seperated from my husband of 17 years. I haven't seen him for a 1 year and 2 months. We are living is seperate states. I feel like we are slipping away. How do I meet his needs when he says that we don't have a relationship, we are not married and there is no hope for us, our marriage failed. He came into town to see his family and didn't tell me. We work on financial issues together and he says that he will do that and stay professional, he will help me financially until I secure my job but that's it. I need some help on what to do now. I am holding a space of hope and possiblity for renewal and yet, I know he is very rational (engineers mind). What do you suggest that I do? Larry — I really like your articles and clarity. I am seperated from my husband of 17 years. I haven’t seen him for a 1 year and 2 months. We are living is seperate states. I feel like we are slipping away. How do I meet his needs when he says that we don’t have a relationship, we are not married and there is no hope for us, our marriage failed. He came into town to see his family and didn’t tell me. We work on financial issues together and he says that he will do that and stay professional, he will help me financially until I secure my job but that’s it. I need some help on what to do now. I am holding a space of hope and possiblity for renewal and yet, I know he is very rational (engineers mind). What do you suggest that I do?

]]> By: Larry Bilotta http://youcansavethismarriage.com/blog/every-good-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-9 Larry Bilotta Fri, 07 Aug 2009 22:27:31 +0000 http://youcansavethismarriage.com/blog/?page_id=159#comment-9 Hi SanDee, Let's summarize how you felt being on the receiving end of your husbands actions over the last 15 years that has left you feeling hopeless and unloved: -You feel beat down -finally giving up after 15 years of knowing him. -Your socially conscious husbands wants you as an arm piece in public. -He will not allow your to be close to him in private. -He resists your attempts at affection. -He comments on how other wives show affection to their husbands and how good that is. -Privately he withholds sexual intimacy. -He does not want to hear what your need. -He stays because it's the path of least resistance. -He never says thank you or I love you. -He is very judgmental of your in private. You have just described the famous "loveless marriage". It's not violent or full of conflict, it's just dead. Question is, how did this happen? I want you to know that if I could have the two of you complete your Flag Pages and The Invisible Lifestyle and I would know EXACTLY how you ended up here, and exactly what you needed to do to change course. Right now, I can't know how it happened. I'm telling you this because I want you to know there is no mystery to this. It's predictable. The predictableness of it begins with the first ten years of your lives. I'd encourage you to listen to my radio interviews with what I call Chaos Kids. These are people who did not have a positive or nurturing first ten years. The secret is, if those ten years are bad, your entire adult life will suffer and the place that suffering will take place is your intimate relationship. I have much more to say on this but in the mean time, you'll get some understanding of your husband and yourself at www.fulfilledcouple.com/blog . List to the Chaos Kid Radio Interviews. You should also watch the video Why You Fight. Thanks for writing SanDee, Larry Hi SanDee,
Let’s summarize how you felt being on the receiving end of your husbands actions over the last 15 years that has left you feeling hopeless and unloved:
-You feel beat down -finally giving up after 15 years of knowing him.
-Your socially conscious husbands wants you as an arm piece in public.
-He will not allow your to be close to him in private.
-He resists your attempts at affection.
-He comments on how other wives show affection to their husbands and how good that is.
-Privately he withholds sexual intimacy.
-He does not want to hear what your need.
-He stays because it’s the path of least resistance.
-He never says thank you or I love you.
-He is very judgmental of your in private.

You have just described the famous “loveless marriage”. It’s not violent or full of conflict, it’s just dead. Question is, how did this happen?
I want you to know that if I could have the two of you complete your Flag Pages and The Invisible Lifestyle and I would know EXACTLY how you ended up here, and exactly what you needed to do to change course. Right now, I can’t know how it happened. I’m telling you this because I want you to know there is no mystery to this. It’s predictable.

The predictableness of it begins with the first ten years of your lives. I’d encourage you to listen to my radio interviews with what I call Chaos Kids. These are people who did not have a positive or nurturing first ten years. The secret is, if those ten years are bad, your entire adult life will suffer and the place that suffering will take place is your intimate relationship.

I have much more to say on this but in the mean time, you’ll get some understanding of your husband and yourself at http://www.fulfilledcouple.com/blog . List to the Chaos Kid Radio Interviews. You should also watch the video Why You Fight.
Thanks for writing SanDee,
Larry

]]> By: SanDee Vaniman http://youcansavethismarriage.com/blog/every-good-husband/comment-page-1/#comment-8 SanDee Vaniman Fri, 07 Aug 2009 12:43:01 +0000 http://youcansavethismarriage.com/blog/?page_id=159#comment-8 Thank you Larry. I appreciate reading your newsletter and website. I think I have given up. I have read so much, gone to counselling and tried to save the marriage by myself many times over. It seems that perhaps I feel so beat down that I have finally given up after 15 (11 years married). I do believe that my husband is committment phobic. No matter what I do it seems that eventually I get emotionally tired and exhausted trying to do the right thing. I feel like I just cannot be good enough long enough to accomplish being my husbands's wife. He is wired for social events and seems to like having me as an armpiece but won't ever allow me to be close when it is just the two of us. If I approach him with hugs and attention he gives me a cold reponse yet notices other women showing public display's of attention as though that is what he wants. He does not even remember when I've tried to give him public displays of attention. He has witheld sexual intimacy for years. I cannot ask or tell him that "I need" anything or he runs extremely fast in the opposite direction. He threatens divorce when he is angry. If I respond to his request he does not act like he cares if that were to happen, yet if I respond by letting him know that I'm sure he does not mean it he keeps me thinking he's just staying because that is the path of least resistence but he would never say "I love you" and thank you for your efforts. So I feel like I'm a door mat and continue to grovel for what? We are separated now although he is living on the same property. I'm allowing myself to finally mourn the loss of this relationship because I think I am so very tired. Please don't get me wrong...I know I am contributing to this demise somehow but just not sure I am good enough or can be good enough long enough and do what I think he needs long enough to make it. I would appreciate your reply. Thank you Larry. I appreciate reading your newsletter and website. I think I have given up. I have read so much, gone to counselling and tried to save the marriage by myself many times over. It seems that perhaps I feel so beat down that I have finally given up after 15 (11 years married). I do believe that my husband is committment phobic. No matter what I do it seems that eventually I get emotionally tired and exhausted trying to do the right thing. I feel like I just cannot be good enough long enough to accomplish being my husbands’s wife. He is wired for social events and seems to like having me as an armpiece but won’t ever allow me to be close when it is just the two of us. If I approach him with hugs and attention he gives me a cold reponse yet notices other women showing public display’s of attention as though that is what he wants. He does not even remember when I’ve tried to give him public displays of attention. He has witheld sexual intimacy for years. I cannot ask or tell him that “I need” anything or he runs extremely fast in the opposite direction. He threatens divorce when he is angry. If I respond to his request he does not act like he cares if that were to happen, yet if I respond by letting him know that I’m sure he does not mean it he keeps me thinking he’s just staying because that is the path of least resistence but he would never say “I love you” and thank you for your efforts. So I feel like I’m a door mat and continue to grovel for what? We are separated now although he is living on the same property. I’m allowing myself to finally mourn the loss of this relationship because I think I am so very tired. Please don’t get me wrong…I know I am contributing to this demise somehow but just not sure I am good enough or can be good enough long enough and do what I think he needs long enough to make it. I would appreciate your reply.

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