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Hi Lisa, thanks for your question.

Look at your husband’s first ten years of childhood and you’ll see that there was a parent who was highly insecure and highly suspicious. That suspicion is built into his brain. It more than likely has nothing to do with what you do or don’t do. He has a program that says a woman cannot be trusted and all women do is lie.

The amazing part of this is, he has no idea that this brain instruction is there. He cannot see it. He can only see what the program tells him. I cannot know this for sure, but from your email without knowing any additional information about your situation, he likely has a program imprinted in his brain from childhood that tells him something like “All women are liars. You cannot trust them.”

All of us obey the programs of those first ten years and few of us can disagree with forceful messages that interpret real time events to match up with our first ten years. If you want to learn more about this subject I call “Chaos Kids”, go to www.fulfilledcouple.com/blog and you will find an internet radio series that might give you more insight into your situation and on Chaos Kids. Also, to the right of this blog there is a video titled “Why You Fight” which will further help to explain what the Chaos Kid phenomenon is all about.

Hi Chelo,

Every week from around the world I get people who tell me this story. Details are different but here’s what is the same: They fall in love with a person but did not know anything about their childhood.

Even if they find something out about that childhood like you did, they don’t know what it means to their future. I go into detail to explain this in my video “Why You Fight”.

It’s really not about fighting as we think of it, yelling etc. Your husband is not a fighter. He is an emotionally damaged man from a pain filled childhood. Today, there is a ball of instruction in his brain that is demanding that he get back to “Normal”, and normal is the conditions of his childhood.

That ball is driving him, tormenting him and he has no idea what it is. You’re on the receiving end of this ball of instruction and it’s painful. The ball is not him and he is not the ball. That’s why it’s so confusing to you now.

Carlita’s Question For Larry…

My husband and I have been married for 27 years. He says he “hates sex”. We haven’t had sex in seven years. I was always the one in our relationship with a high libido. Is there any hope for sex?

Larry’s Answer:

Hi Carlita,

Thanks for writing about America’s most popular couples subject…sex. In your question, you asked “is there hope for sex?” This is not about hope. It’s about knowledge. You said your husband “hates” sex but you didn’t say that he hates sex with you.

My point is that there are two mistresses in America for men that can take their interest away from the woman they married.

1) The girl down at work who praises your husband and opens up the possibility of an affair and 2) the pornography industry on his computer. Both of these are popular choices in how men relieve their built in biological pressure. When a man, who normally “needs” sex no longer desires it, there are five questions to ask in order.

[ Read the rest or post a comment >> ]

Cindy’s Question For Marsha…

“We’ve been married over 22 years, together over 23 1/2. I really don’t like him AT all!”

1) I don’t really remember our marriage every being “good.”
Before the “I do’s,” we at least seemed to be content, although we were broke and didn’t do much. Of course I believe I made HUGE mistake in marrying him, but you can’t undo history.

2) Our marriage is a constant war zone. I’ve been a homemaker, stay at home, homeschooling wife/mom. Our oldest, who’s 19 moved out this June. He’s betrothed and in college. Our youngest is 16, has been lonely with his brother gone, we live in a dead very small little town. He’s sick of being here alone in the war zone with us, and I’m ready to let him move into his own place near his brother for his own mental health.

3) I think my husband is a sociopath. I have standards and believed in staying till the kids were grown, and have almost accomplished that. But I am having a hard time now believing that was the best choice. The oldest moving out, and now likely the youngest, it’s forcing us to deal with all of our problems, and he trys to avoid everything. At least he works. He knows this is the case, because he’s so out of the loop around here, when he attempts to pay attention, he gets himself in more trouble than if he’d have just kept his mouth shut. Then whines complaining, “I know, I’m just the witless provider.” I say back, you get what you put into life. I’m just tired and realize divorce is likely the only option out of this hell.

Most emotional affairs start out as an innocent friendship. You see each other often, go out to lunch every now and then, share your thoughts and feelings with each other…so where’s the harm in that?

For starters, just like a drug…emotional affairs can be ADDICTING.