Stuck In An Unhappy Marriage? Discover Your Spouses’ REAL Motives
Welcome to another edition of “The Insider’s Guide To a Happy Marriage”.
Today you’ll be learning how to Discover Your Spouse’s REAL Motives.
Let’s face it. Every married couple would like to have their deepest needs met by their spouse. But the problem is, most people are just too wrapped up in trying to get their own needs met, let alone, the needs of their spouse.
Why?
Simply because all married couples enter a marriage with Ultimate Expectations. I discussed these Expectations in the Secret Path to Divorce report that you should have received in the very first email.
(If you didn’t, please contact us right away and we’ll get a copy sent to your email right away.)
Most married couples don’t EVER discuss these expectations…because they don’t know they exist!
Deep down inside you may know what you want from your spouse, but until you actually SEE your needs written down on paper, these expectations remain a mystery.
If Your Spouse Has Told You That S/he Is Not In Love With You, What Your Spouse Really Means Is, “You Are No Longer Meeting My Needs.”
And when one spouses’ needs are not being met at all, they’ll often turn to other people who WILL meet their needs…(although it doesn’t last for long.)
And THAT is the beginning of an affair.
Now you might be wondering…
“How can another person who hardly even knows my wife/husband be able to meet his/her needs…when I can’t even do it?!?
Well, if you’ll remember from the Secret Path to Divorce report, if you are a woman, your HUSBAND’S Ultimate Expectations of you are…
- Staying just as sexy, playful and interesting as you were when you were dating.
- Time that is free of any domestic demands so he can do what he really loves to do.
- Compliments and encouragement about what he does, has done or is about to do.
- Complete emotional support for what he values in life.
And if you’re a man, your WIFE’S Ultimate Expectations of you are…
- Patience under all conditions.
- The ability to listen as if everything she said really mattered.
- Compliments and encouragement about what she does, has done or is about to do.
- Complete emotional support for what she values in life.
Chances are, if your spouse is unhappy in your relationship, you are NOT meeting these Expectations.
And the reason you’re not is because your spouse is NOT meeting YOUR needs.
You may not want to admit it, but there is probably a mutual feeling of resentment between the two of you…it goes kind of like this…
“If My Spouse Is Not Meeting MY Needs, Then Why Should I Even Bother Meeting His/Her Needs? What’s The Point?”
Sound familiar?
The ONLY reason your spouse would think that someone else can meet their needs (as in the case of an affair) is because they haven’t gotten over the “Romance” stage of their relationship yet.
Since they haven’t entered the difficult “Ultimate Expectations” stage, they would still be meeting each others’ needs…for now.
You see, there IS a way to reverse this vicious cycle of unmet needs.
You can either START meeting your spouse’s Ultimate Expectations that I’ve described above. (Also refer back to the Secret Path to Divorce)
OR, if you need a step-by-step plan on how to start meeting your spouses’ needs along with someone to hold you accountable for doing what you say you will do, you can enroll in the Environment Changer program where myself or one of my Marriage Translators will show you EXACTLY how you can start meeting your spouse’s Ultimate Expectations.
Once the two of you complete my online tool called the Flag Page, your Marriage Translator will help the two of you CLEARLY DEFINE your Greatest Needs in Life and give you specific ways you can start meeting each others needs.
You’ll no longer have to struggle for words to express what the way you want your spouse to treat you. It doesn’t matter if an affair has taken place or not.
After all, an affair is just a ‘side effect’ of unmet Ultimate Expectations.
Now if your spouse is not willing to participate in ANY sort of marriage building activity, that’s okay too because as I’ve mentioned in earlier newsletters, it only takes ONE to save a marriage.
The key lays in changing the way you REACT to your spouse’s behavior.
It’s true. Many people are skeptical when I tell them they have what it takes to save their marriage alone. This is ESPECIALLY true when the “leaving spouse” has already moved out or has had an affair.
But I’ve seen, time and time again…people who single handedly transform their marriage.
Think about it for a minute.
Your spouse comes home from a bad day at work. It’s your day off.
Rather than an affectionate hug, kiss or even peck on the cheek, your spouse greets you with “Must be nice to sit around all day and not have to work! You wouldn’t want to clean up the house a little bit, would you?!? I have to work all day and now I have to come home to this (referring to a few piles of clutter laying around the house.)!
This infuriates you because this is your day off…your day of RELAXATION. On your vacation day, your husband/wife expects you to CLEAN?!? Forget that!
You snap back with some quick-witted comment about how much more STRESSFUL your job is and how you have a RIGHT to your day off.
And that’s how it goes. This simple event (your spouse coming home) escalates into a heated argument resulting in both of you saying things you’ll regret in the long run.
But now picture this….
Rather than snapping back at your spouse, you accept that your spouse has had a difficult day at work.
You realize that arguing over whose job is more difficult will do no good for your relationship, so you choose to change the subject instead with something like, “I’m sorry to hear you had a tough day, but by the way, I was thinking this weekend we could go to…” Or, (fill in the blank with some little bit of news that might brighten your spouse’s day.)
Yes, I know at first this sounds very difficult. When your spouse says something to “set you off” it’s hard to bite your tongue and not snap back at your spouse.
But that’s why it’s so important you learn the foundation of eliminating your negative feelings. Without this skill, doing ANYTHING positive for your marriage is INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT.
And that’s one of the reasons why marriage counseling has such DISMAL success rates.
Marriage counselors focus on changing your BEHAVIOR. But the problem is, changing your behavior is just not that simple when you’re filled up with so much resentment towards your spouse as most couples are when on the verge of divorce.
Sometimes I think I sound like a broken record because I’m always telling my students that they must learn how to change their EMOTIONS FIRST, before they can change their behavior. It’s SO MUCH EASIER this way.
If you’re interested in learning this skill and transforming your marriage on your own (as I did with my own marriage), you might consider becoming one of my students in the Environment Changer program.
Or least see if it is something you’re ready for. Unfortunately, not everyone has what it takes to transform their marriage alone.
You need to be committed, you need to be ready and willing to learn and most importantly, you need to be a good student because after all, if YOU don’t apply what you learn to create a stronger marriage, who will?
Stay tuned for your next issue of the Marriage Transformation Newsletter where you’ll discover why the “The Little-Known Truth About Affairs”.
Until next time,
To a LESS stressful and MORE fulfilling marriage,
Larry Bilotta
Developer of the “Environment Changer Program -
Stop Your Divorce Today – Without Your Spouses’
Participation Even AFTER The Papers Have Been Filed
——-> www.stopyourdivorcein4weeks.com
P.S. Did you know that 27 years out of my 35 year marriage to my wife could only be described as complete MISERY?
And did you know that today I am actually GRATEFUL for those 27 years because I was able to develop the Environment Changer Program that has been responsible for saving thousands of marriages – even in the case of an affair, or when one spouse has already filed divorce papers and moved out of the house?
If you’re really serious about getting peace of mind in your marriage, and falling in love with your spouse all over again, then find out how you can stop your divorce and save your marriage by becoming an Environment Changer and taking control of your emotions instead of letting them run your life!
P.S.S. Stay tuned for the next newsletter issue because we’ll be covering the little-known TRUTH about affairs.
About Larry Bilotta:
Larry Bilotta has been teaching couples how to restore their loveless marriages since 1995. Back in the 90′s, Larry was suffering MISERABLY in a loveless marriage.
He needed a way to reduce the stress, anxiety and tension in his marriage. Not because he was devoted to his wife, but because he needed to maintain his own SANITY. Larry’s wife didn’t believe in divorce…but at the same time, she told him he could leave her…in a body bag!
Needless to say, Larry set out on a mission to find a REAL solution to their ongoing struggles. And after 27 years of misery – he finally found it. Today, Larry and his wife have been happily married for 34 years…and they’re closer than ever.
Larry is one of the few marriage experts who actually transformed his OWN marriage and today, holds the key to bringing back a marriage from the brink of divorce – even AFTER the papers have been filed.
At the core of Larry’s teachings is his “secret method” that allows individuals to transform themselves from the inside out, and positively influence their spouse as a result. By learning to eliminate their negative feelings in just 60 seconds, Larry has taught individual spouses how to completely change the environment of the marriage through his Environment Changer program for the past 15 years.
Share Your Feedback With Larry!
3 Responses
my wife tells me she just wants just to be friends for now and go from there.she is texting all the time to this guy(her step cousin)and i have found her phone and read some of the texts(there not in my favor)i think she is cheating now and has droped the d-bomb and she wants to move to colorado where he lives.i want to fix the marriage.i just think her feelings are with him.do you have anything you can tell me if my wife is still cheating right now.do i wait the 10 months to a year till shes done having her fun.i love her so much and i am doing the free course to control my neg. feelings and i just ordered the book softhearted women hard world,i hope you can help,she wont even sleep in the same bed as me and this hurts because i just want her in my arms(o-lord-help-me)
My wife of twenty-five years, whom i trusted to be the “bed-rock” of our relationship, surprised me with the heave-ho on one night’s traumatic moment. The animosity she built up in our children from their infant years against me made it impossible for her to resist leaving me when our lives were filled with a near loss of a son, a runaway daughter, a tag-a-long daughter and my business falling to pieces, our relationship hard on the rocks, and our spiritual separateness causing us emotional stresses beyond belief.
Her Divorce went through, and her hard heart went into permanent fantasy land. She remarried after I did, and has maintained an unbelievable hardness and bitterness for the past 19 years. My life has entered and passed through numerous changes, traumas, and hard events since then, but her determined hatred has solidified her and three of our four children’s lives with complete denial of my humanity, their own humanity, and any possibility of gentle, sweet kindness on their part, except as a phony facade they front to the world outside.
For me, I am a slow learner! I just discovered that to be successfully married, I must take the initiative each moment to carefully nurture my wife, and manage her sense of security in my love for her like I manage a business – with all senses tuned to her needs, wants, mistakes, and best interests!
Maybe I’d have been much less anxious to marry had I understood the massive undertaking that marriage actually is! The husband must literally lay down his dreams, and life, to be a happily-wedded husband!
Ouch!
So, I’m deciding to swallow my tongue, and to bite the bitter-sweet root of marriage, and to practice, practice, practice faithful, gentle loving kindness in my thoughts, words, and deeds toward my lovely, sweetheart of a wife. I just wish she were my children’s mother. “Oh well . . .” as my older daughter used to say . . .
Love is as love does, and my love was based on my feeling loved by each of the precious ladies I’ve been married to. That is just the opposite of true love! Real love initiates the joy of relationship in the spouse, and women are born with the tools and senses of this vital element of marriage. Us guys are left out.
So, we must learn, learn, learn, learn it, every day learn and practice a new concept of loving our spouse. Had I just had a tiny glimpse of this fact before my first wedding, and my entire married living would have been far, far better!
Claude,
You are living proof that we only learned in pain. And it appears that you have been through a lot of it. Since you write really well, maybe you should write a book so people can learn through your painful discoveries.
Larry