When your spouse “drops the bomb” that he or she wants a divorce, how should you react?
Accept it or FIGHT IT?
If everyone is telling you to give up, but something within you just can’t bring yourself do it, your reaction might be…“I’m going to fight for our family”. “I’m going to fight for you, for us, because I cannot accept that our marriage is over.”
Sound familiar?
What I’m going to say you might not receive very well.
All the things happening to you are taking place because of an energy that lives inside you. I call it “against” energy.
Against energy is not just an idea. Against energy is a world you live in that occupies everything you touch, think and say.
If you look closely, you will find against energy contained in fear, doubt, worry, anxiety, anxiousness, uncertainty, anger and resentment. In an extreme state, against energy can even make you want to end your own life.
When you’re at a “low point” in life, all the bad things happening to you are driven by the “against” energy within you.
Look to your childhood and you will see that your programmers (your parents) gave birth to this against energy and it is still alive and in control of all the events in your life.
I receive daily emails from men and women all around the world who are in pain. These emails sound something like this (we’ll call this person Jane):
“Six months ago, I found out my husband of 22 years was having an affair. That was when all our problems began. Life is now like a roller coaster where one day he seems happy and the next day, he is in chaos. I am constantly worried and don’t know what to do next. I don’t even know who he is anymore. I don’t deserve this kind of treatment, but I refuse to give up on him and desperately want to fight for my marriage. Is there still hope?”
Though her message sounds hopeful, Jane is loaded with against energy and it is sucking the life out of her.
The cure for against energy is acceptance. Acceptance ends against energy.
Acceptance and against energy cannot live in the same person at the same time. It is either one or the other.
What is controlling each and every person who sends me an email like this is NOT acceptance. It is against energy that was instilled in them during their first 10 years.
Depending on your childhood, you might be:
- Against success
- Against failure
- Against people at work
- Against a family member
- Against your spouse
- Against being too successful
- And so on
Against energy is in control and the only way to put it to rest is to begin generating acceptance energy. You can do this by first making your against statements:
- I am against the way my wife treats me.
- I am against the way my life is full of bad things.
- I am against the way everything goes wrong for me, etc.
You then take each of those sentences and state them as an acceptance statement:
- I accept that my wife treats me the way she does.
- I accept that my life is full of bad things.
- I accept that everything goes wrong for me.
You must generate one acceptance statement after another until they become a routine for you. You will accept the tiniest inconveniences, the smallest irritations, and any situation that presents itself. You need to accept it all.
Now this doesn’t mean serving up divorce papers, handing over your house and assets to your spouse, and leaving yourself with nothing.
Acceptance is a state of mind that helps you feel calm. And chances are, you’ve already done the opposite.
How did your spouse react when you were against him or her? How does ANYONE respond to against energy for that matter?
If you think the answer lies somewhere else, in a book, other piece of advice, pastor or therapist, you will be searching while against eats you up inside.
Any attempts you make to restore your marriage will be met with rejection as long as your spouse feels this against energy within you. This energy translates into pressure and makes you weak.
And there’s no hiding it.
You can put on a smile, but your eyes will tell a different story. You can do nice things but your spouse will view it as “too little, too late” since leaving spouses are driven by emotion and that’s the only thing they respond to.
When a marriage is at the brink of divorce, actions and words do nothing. You must change the way your spouse feels when the two of you are in the same room together and no one is saying a word.
Think of the word CALM whenever you are around your spouse, regardless of what is happening around you. Acceptance is the foundation of a civil relationship, which is the first of many steps toward restoring your marriage with the one you love.
Still don’t believe acceptance is the answer? Let’s do an experiment. Practice total acceptance of everything in your life for two weeks. Keep a log of how successful you are and record any “slip ups” that allowed against energy to creep into your life.
If you successfully practice accepting each and every part of your life – and everyone around you – for a solid two weeks, you’ll start to feel different and you will see changes in those around you.
But here’s the real key – once you STOP putting pressure on your spouse, he or she will take notice.
Most people think if they stop calling, texting or talking, their spouse will disappear forever, but it’s just the opposite.
If your spouse feels pressured, THAT is what prompts them to move out of the household. Despite what you might think, it’s actually common for a spouse to move out into a different household, but still keep in regular contact with their would-be ex spouse – sometimes even friendly contact.
The reason for this is because distance allows them to breathe. It gives them freedom from the constant pressure they dread as soon as you walk in the door…it gives them RELIEF. And relief is the start of a positive shift in the marriage.
I encourage you to try this unconventional approach. Words, actions and behavior have done nothing but make things worse, so what do you have to lose?
If you want a specific plan to not only turn your marriage around, but create a stronger relationship than ever before, watch this hour video presentation to see how it’s possible to win back the love of your life – without their participation.
Very good read! Wife of 13 years dropped the bomb shell out of nowhere regarding seperation. I was devastated and determined to fight. I gave her a few days with me taking the boys and then we had a talk when we returned. She chose flight even though I was offering everything, including the sale of my first car. She said this is something that “she has to do, on her own and that I fix everything.” Everything I offered to do for us made her even more mad and that I should do it for myself and not her. I pretty much said then that I didn’t know her. There is still hope as she said she didn’t want to use the “D” word and doubt she will file. I will not be against it if she does. I purchased your Midlife Crisis Program and yes, it described her exactly. It helped tremendously even though she moved out the day after Christmas(12/26/16) as her parents said she has told them that I am way more calm and accepting. I don’t call or text her unless it is something short regarding the kids. I tell others as they ask me why I am so positive about this, I just say how grateful I am that she produced 2 wonderful boys that I can’t thank her enough. I even had to tell the boys that she is great and this apartment of her is great for all of us. I now keep a neat and clean house and have healthy food stocked at all times. I know she notices but I think it pisses her off also as I have moved on. She does bring her laundry over and still does mine though she doesn’t put it away. I now enjoy cooking, though I didn’t do it full time before and made great breakfasts that she loved. She eats my dinner every time she comes over and asks for seconds. I know she wants to compliment me but I understand its not in her vocabulary which the monster controls. I am patient and I am calm. I have many women that are lining up to spend the night with me but I like being free as I am growing into a better father and husband that she could ever wish for. I am not sure if I should say if or when she wakes up and wants to come home, my first answer will be “no, I’m not ready.” I know it is not her fault but scars do run deep. I hope that is not against energy and will accept replay when that happens. I can accept everything that has happened and I, as more of a chaos kid than her, knows that I went through all this at an earlier age and she stuck through it but now I know how she felt. There is many more to tell but I need to get back to work.
Hi Matt,
It was very reassuring to me to see what a great student you are in learning and applying the content of the midlife crisis course. I can see from what you are doing that you have really taken it to heart. Your wife is performing all the behaviors of the midlife crisis woman, including moving toward being her old self, and then moving back towards being the monster within.
You are describing a life where you are being a single father who is cooking and cleaning and taking care of your kids, including cleaning up the house and stocking healthy food. It appears that you have made a decision that you like being a single dad because from the tone of your writing, you sound happy with the situation as it is. You even stated that if she attempted to come back, your first answer would be, “No, I’m not ready”.
If you were in my Environment Changer course, I would ask you if this is the woman you love. Though you are not in the course, I would still ask you if this is the woman you love? Do you want her back or are you more caught up in being hurt that she has become this midlife crisis woman?
I know you said “scars do run deep”, referring to your own feelings, but you also said that you went through this midlife crisis yourself at an earlier age and she stuck with you back then. Are you willing to stick with her now? The answer to that depends on your answer to my question above, do you love this woman?
I make a big deal of that question because I have seen hundreds of husbands not able to answer it and that made them very vulnerable to “pitches” from any other woman out there. Because these men were not sure if they loved their wives, they had a belief that another woman could satisfy their physical and emotional needs and take away their loneliness. I hope that doesn’t turn out to be you.
Thanks for letting me know you’re out there Matt.
Larry
My husband wants to divorce me because he won’t believe I can change. He says it’s too late and too many times I showed that I wouldn’t change. It’s the naggint, critizing, yelling and constant complaining. He already decided to move out and sleeps on the couch. Can I still save my marriage? Or is it too late? Nobody had an affair. He says he feels emotionally abused by my behavior.
Hi Anna,
You are describing the perfect marriage killer… Being taken over by “Program Possession”.
In your message, you described that your husband can’t stand the nagging, criticizing, yelling and constant complaining. Because you love him, you yourself would never treat him that way. You have actually described Program Possession.
The vast majority of women are programmed to treat their husbands the way their mothers treated their fathers in their first 10 years. So as your mother nagged, criticized yelled and complained, your brain was taking in all those instructions. Those instructions are programs.
So when you least expect it, the program turns on and you literally do what your mother did back then.
What your husband is saying really is, “Anna, you can say you will change all you want, but this is not up to you, because you can’t control your program possession problem. You can’t solve that problem and because you don’t know how to turn it off and probably never will, I have no reason to stay with you. I did not marry the worst of your mother. I married you. Now if you can prove to me that you can conquer this program possession problem, and show me the proof, then I will stay.”
An environment changer is a person who turns off their childhood programs so they are no longer possessed by them. In my experience, becoming an environment changer is the only hope anyone has of no longer living under the terror of program possession.
Larry
My wife of 25 years, left filed divorce and protective order. My attorney has negotiated the PO away, but in its place the other side had an injunction place. No contact w/my wife, no phone, email, text or anything. She moved to another house. I’m in the marital house. The divorce case is pending and set for mediation. She has refused my request for counseling. She meets the description of your midlife crisis article. Is there any hope to stop the divorce? If not, is there any hope to reconcile after a divorce?
Hi Julian,
Long before all of the events you describe happened, you lost your wife’s heart. When you lose your wife’s heart, you cut her loose from your emotional safety net and once that happens, the chaos of her childhood CAN (but not always will) come for her. Now, with lawyers in the way and stirring things up, HOPE should be the last thing on your mind. What you need is a PLAN.
When I work with people in my Environment Changer course, my plan revolves around them changing their internal emotional state which has so much to do with what the future will become. I would suggest you go through the steps to watch a video presentation for men and then request a complementary private session with me so I can answer your questions more effectively: http://itonlytakesoneman.com
Larry