When your spouse “drops the bomb” that he or she wants a divorce, how should you react?
Accept it or FIGHT IT?
If everyone is telling you to give up, but something within you just can’t bring yourself do it, your reaction might be…“I’m going to fight for our family”. “I’m going to fight for you, for us, because I cannot accept that our marriage is over.”
Sound familiar?
What I’m going to say you might not receive very well.
All the things happening to you are taking place because of an energy that lives inside you. I call it “against” energy.
Against energy is not just an idea. Against energy is a world you live in that occupies everything you touch, think and say.
If you look closely, you will find against energy contained in fear, doubt, worry, anxiety, anxiousness, uncertainty, anger and resentment. In an extreme state, against energy can even make you want to end your own life.
When you’re at a “low point” in life, all the bad things happening to you are driven by the “against” energy within you.
Look to your childhood and you will see that your programmers (your parents) gave birth to this against energy and it is still alive and in control of all the events in your life.
I receive daily emails from men and women all around the world who are in pain. These emails sound something like this (we’ll call this person Jane):
“Six months ago, I found out my husband of 22 years was having an affair. That was when all our problems began. Life is now like a roller coaster where one day he seems happy and the next day, he is in chaos. I am constantly worried and don’t know what to do next. I don’t even know who he is anymore. I don’t deserve this kind of treatment, but I refuse to give up on him and desperately want to fight for my marriage. Is there still hope?”
Though her message sounds hopeful, Jane is loaded with against energy and it is sucking the life out of her.
The cure for against energy is acceptance. Acceptance ends against energy.
Acceptance and against energy cannot live in the same person at the same time. It is either one or the other.
What is controlling each and every person who sends me an email like this is NOT acceptance. It is against energy that was instilled in them during their first 10 years.
Depending on your childhood, you might be:
- Against success
- Against failure
- Against people at work
- Against a family member
- Against your spouse
- Against being too successful
- And so on
Against energy is in control and the only way to put it to rest is to begin generating acceptance energy. You can do this by first making your against statements:
- I am against the way my wife treats me.
- I am against the way my life is full of bad things.
- I am against the way everything goes wrong for me, etc.
You then take each of those sentences and state them as an acceptance statement:
- I accept that my wife treats me the way she does.
- I accept that my life is full of bad things.
- I accept that everything goes wrong for me.
You must generate one acceptance statement after another until they become a routine for you. You will accept the tiniest inconveniences, the smallest irritations, and any situation that presents itself. You need to accept it all.
Now this doesn’t mean serving up divorce papers, handing over your house and assets to your spouse, and leaving yourself with nothing.
Acceptance is a state of mind that helps you feel calm. And chances are, you’ve already done the opposite.
How did your spouse react when you were against him or her? How does ANYONE respond to against energy for that matter?
If you think the answer lies somewhere else, in a book, other piece of advice, pastor or therapist, you will be searching while against eats you up inside.
Any attempts you make to restore your marriage will be met with rejection as long as your spouse feels this against energy within you. This energy translates into pressure and makes you weak.
And there’s no hiding it.
You can put on a smile, but your eyes will tell a different story. You can do nice things but your spouse will view it as “too little, too late” since leaving spouses are driven by emotion and that’s the only thing they respond to.
When a marriage is at the brink of divorce, actions and words do nothing. You must change the way your spouse feels when the two of you are in the same room together and no one is saying a word.
Think of the word CALM whenever you are around your spouse, regardless of what is happening around you. Acceptance is the foundation of a civil relationship, which is the first of many steps toward restoring your marriage with the one you love.
Still don’t believe acceptance is the answer? Let’s do an experiment. Practice total acceptance of everything in your life for two weeks. Keep a log of how successful you are and record any “slip ups” that allowed against energy to creep into your life.
If you successfully practice accepting each and every part of your life – and everyone around you – for a solid two weeks, you’ll start to feel different and you will see changes in those around you.
But here’s the real key – once you STOP putting pressure on your spouse, he or she will take notice.
Most people think if they stop calling, texting or talking, their spouse will disappear forever, but it’s just the opposite.
If your spouse feels pressured, THAT is what prompts them to move out of the household. Despite what you might think, it’s actually common for a spouse to move out into a different household, but still keep in regular contact with their would-be ex spouse – sometimes even friendly contact.
The reason for this is because distance allows them to breathe. It gives them freedom from the constant pressure they dread as soon as you walk in the door…it gives them RELIEF. And relief is the start of a positive shift in the marriage.
I encourage you to try this unconventional approach. Words, actions and behavior have done nothing but make things worse, so what do you have to lose?
If you want a specific plan to not only turn your marriage around, but create a stronger relationship than ever before, watch this hour video presentation to see how it’s possible to win back the love of your life – without their participation.
Very good read! Wife of 13 years dropped the bomb shell out of nowhere regarding seperation. I was devastated and determined to fight. I gave her a few days with me taking the boys and then we had a talk when we returned. She chose flight even though I was offering everything, including the sale of my first car. She said this is something that “she has to do, on her own and that I fix everything.” Everything I offered to do for us made her even more mad and that I should do it for myself and not her. I pretty much said then that I didn’t know her. There is still hope as she said she didn’t want to use the “D” word and doubt she will file. I will not be against it if she does. I purchased your Midlife Crisis Program and yes, it described her exactly. It helped tremendously even though she moved out the day after Christmas(12/26/16) as her parents said she has told them that I am way more calm and accepting. I don’t call or text her unless it is something short regarding the kids. I tell others as they ask me why I am so positive about this, I just say how grateful I am that she produced 2 wonderful boys that I can’t thank her enough. I even had to tell the boys that she is great and this apartment of her is great for all of us. I now keep a neat and clean house and have healthy food stocked at all times. I know she notices but I think it pisses her off also as I have moved on. She does bring her laundry over and still does mine though she doesn’t put it away. I now enjoy cooking, though I didn’t do it full time before and made great breakfasts that she loved. She eats my dinner every time she comes over and asks for seconds. I know she wants to compliment me but I understand its not in her vocabulary which the monster controls. I am patient and I am calm. I have many women that are lining up to spend the night with me but I like being free as I am growing into a better father and husband that she could ever wish for. I am not sure if I should say if or when she wakes up and wants to come home, my first answer will be “no, I’m not ready.” I know it is not her fault but scars do run deep. I hope that is not against energy and will accept replay when that happens. I can accept everything that has happened and I, as more of a chaos kid than her, knows that I went through all this at an earlier age and she stuck through it but now I know how she felt. There is many more to tell but I need to get back to work.
Hi Matt,
It was very reassuring to me to see what a great student you are in learning and applying the content of the midlife crisis course. I can see from what you are doing that you have really taken it to heart. Your wife is performing all the behaviors of the midlife crisis woman, including moving toward being her old self, and then moving back towards being the monster within.
You are describing a life where you are being a single father who is cooking and cleaning and taking care of your kids, including cleaning up the house and stocking healthy food. It appears that you have made a decision that you like being a single dad because from the tone of your writing, you sound happy with the situation as it is. You even stated that if she attempted to come back, your first answer would be, “No, I’m not ready”.
If you were in my Environment Changer course, I would ask you if this is the woman you love. Though you are not in the course, I would still ask you if this is the woman you love? Do you want her back or are you more caught up in being hurt that she has become this midlife crisis woman?
I know you said “scars do run deep”, referring to your own feelings, but you also said that you went through this midlife crisis yourself at an earlier age and she stuck with you back then. Are you willing to stick with her now? The answer to that depends on your answer to my question above, do you love this woman?
I make a big deal of that question because I have seen hundreds of husbands not able to answer it and that made them very vulnerable to “pitches” from any other woman out there. Because these men were not sure if they loved their wives, they had a belief that another woman could satisfy their physical and emotional needs and take away their loneliness. I hope that doesn’t turn out to be you.
Thanks for letting me know you’re out there Matt.
Larry
My husband wants to divorce me because he won’t believe I can change. He says it’s too late and too many times I showed that I wouldn’t change. It’s the naggint, critizing, yelling and constant complaining. He already decided to move out and sleeps on the couch. Can I still save my marriage? Or is it too late? Nobody had an affair. He says he feels emotionally abused by my behavior.
Hi Anna,
You are describing the perfect marriage killer… Being taken over by “Program Possession”.
In your message, you described that your husband can’t stand the nagging, criticizing, yelling and constant complaining. Because you love him, you yourself would never treat him that way. You have actually described Program Possession.
The vast majority of women are programmed to treat their husbands the way their mothers treated their fathers in their first 10 years. So as your mother nagged, criticized yelled and complained, your brain was taking in all those instructions. Those instructions are programs.
So when you least expect it, the program turns on and you literally do what your mother did back then.
What your husband is saying really is, “Anna, you can say you will change all you want, but this is not up to you, because you can’t control your program possession problem. You can’t solve that problem and because you don’t know how to turn it off and probably never will, I have no reason to stay with you. I did not marry the worst of your mother. I married you. Now if you can prove to me that you can conquer this program possession problem, and show me the proof, then I will stay.”
An environment changer is a person who turns off their childhood programs so they are no longer possessed by them. In my experience, becoming an environment changer is the only hope anyone has of no longer living under the terror of program possession.
Larry
My wife of 25 years, left filed divorce and protective order. My attorney has negotiated the PO away, but in its place the other side had an injunction place. No contact w/my wife, no phone, email, text or anything. She moved to another house. I’m in the marital house. The divorce case is pending and set for mediation. She has refused my request for counseling. She meets the description of your midlife crisis article. Is there any hope to stop the divorce? If not, is there any hope to reconcile after a divorce?
Hi Julian,
Long before all of the events you describe happened, you lost your wife’s heart. When you lose your wife’s heart, you cut her loose from your emotional safety net and once that happens, the chaos of her childhood CAN (but not always will) come for her. Now, with lawyers in the way and stirring things up, HOPE should be the last thing on your mind. What you need is a PLAN.
When I work with people in my Environment Changer course, my plan revolves around them changing their internal emotional state which has so much to do with what the future will become. I would suggest you go through the steps to watch a video presentation for men and then request a complementary private session with me so I can answer your questions more effectively: http://itonlytakesoneman.com
Larry
My wife of 20 years exhibits all the signs of MLC. For the first 19 years we had a great relationship. Then, about a year and a half ago she started dieting, working out, going out to happy hour with coworkers, started an EA with a coworker, and then moved out for 2 months. Then she moved back in without much discussion, although she discontinued the EA. We have 2 children, 12 and 14. Nothing happened between us. We’ve always been close, don’t argue or disagree much (major fights anyways, everyone disagrees from time to time), and spend time as a close family. Her claim is that she isn’t happy anymore, we don’t spend enough time together as a couple, and have just grown apart. I never felt this way and she never expressed that she did until this.
Since moving back in she is mainly cold and distant towards me while saying she wants to work it out. She shows no signs of wanting to work it out, but she does say that. She also says that maybe we should split up as she does’t want to continue hurting me. Initially I tried to rationalize fixing things with her, but now I try to limit my contact with her to reduce pressure on her. Sometimes things are ok, but I don’t want to live in a loveless marriage. Is there any hope to reconciling things between us? I know that she at least used to be in love with me, and nothing negative happened between us that I can see to cause this reaction in her. I would like us to be happy together again, but I don’t want to wait the rest of my life for something that may never happen. Is there reason for hope?
Hello Larry
My wife is at the start of a midlife crisis. She fulfills perfectly your description of a “chaos kid” whereas I come from a strong family, no divorce between my parents, etc. I will be talking to you soon but in the meantime, I have an urgent issue which I am not sure how I should deal with. Recently (having had some serious threats of divorce from her already), she got invited by her personal trainer to go to the cinema together with him and a friend of his, and she was keen on going. I was free to go too but I was not invited because supposedly it was a premiere and they only had three tickets. Her personal trainer’s wife actually knew about it (I know both guys and we were with her a the time; he was not) and thought nothing of it. It shocked me that my wife would consider going out with another guy instead of me (I would never ever consider going out with another woman) but she insisted they were just good friends, we all knew each other, so how could I possibly not trust her, etc, etc. I was adamant that this was unacceptable (and I still am) and stopped her from going which infuriated her, we had a fight, she again threatened divorce and now she is keeping away from me despite that we still live together, i.e. things are normal from the outside but there is incredible tension and I am walking on eggshells around her. As I said, I will be speaking to you soon and while in the meantime I have read some of your resources and I am trying to follow the advice on them, my issue is that my wife has not changed her opinion and I am concerned that a similar situation may arise very soon and how I should react to it. My ethics and beliefs reject wholly such behavior and I feel so humiliated by such experience, especially as I would never do something like that to her, no matter how much she might have upset me, whereas she thinks it is perfectly OK (and I know it is not!). On the other hand, reading the general advice in your articles and materials, it seems to imply that I should be as cool as a cucumber and accept it, if I want her and I want to save our marriage. Would you please be kind enough to offer immediate advice on my situation?
Thank you in advance.
Hi Vince,
You sound like a perfectly normal man who was raised in a good home and has a sense of right and wrong.
Here’s the problem: you opened with the statement regarding your wife… “She perfectly fulfills your description of a chaos kid.
It is important that you understand that there are two kinds of women. 1) women raised in good homes. 2) women raised in troubled homes with abandonment, abuse and neglect.
I need you to understand that a woman raised in a good home has what I call “emotional resiliency”. That means you can get angry at her, tell her she’s wrong and even blame her, yet, she has emotional resiliency built on top of a good self-image that allows her to spring back to normal after an argument. So you can get angry at her and express frustrated feelings, yet she will spring back to a normal relationship very quickly. She can forgive and forget. That’s also a good description of you. You were raised in a good home.
But your wife was NOT raised in a good home. She was raised with some degree of abandonment, abuse or neglect. That means that she does NOT have “emotional resiliency”. If you condemn her, judge her, blame her or give any negative it all, she will condemn herself inside or explode. Inside she is rigid. Inside she is fragile. As a man raised in a really good home, you have emotional resiliency and you believe she does too, but you would make a really big mistake in believing that. Remember: You are emotionally resilient, but your wife is not.
Now let’s get to your situation. Your wife feels good going out with a man that is not her husband. Because she has chaos within her, she has no moral code that tells her this is wrong. Without a moral code, she thinks going out with a man while married to another man is perfectly normal. So what is happening is that your high moral code is now clashing with her “movable” moral code.
You are making the mistake of believing that your wife has emotional resiliency and that you can get angry at her and she should spring back and do the right thing. But it turns out Vince, that the more you push her toward your moral code, the more she rebels and the more determined she is to punish you by rejecting you completely. I have hundreds of stories of men who have done the exact same thing and virtually all of them lose their wives. By the way, all their wives are chaos kids! – Larry
My husband of 16 years asked for a divorce 2 years ago. He said his love for me has been completely ruined by the idea I cheated on him 5 years ago, which never happened! We tried counseling and he said he was back in the marriage, but a year later he decided no he wanted out. He comes from a broken home childhood while I come from a happy loving childhood. His father and brother both have divorced their wives, and about the same time in their life. I’m having such a hard time understanding how someone can come to not love another after 16 years and three amazing kids! He says he only sees me as their mom now and nothing more. We are living in the same house still while waiting for the ability for me to find my own place, and it’s really hard to see him so okay with it being over. Things aren’t nasty or angry, we are still friendly, but I just don’t know how to get to where he is with being able to accept and move on so easily. He’s not the person I thought he was, and looking at him now I don’t know that I love him either anymore, but I still struggle.
I am the controlling, pushing, anxious spouse. A year and a half ago, my husband said he wanted a divorce. I did all the wrong things, begging, crying, acting out, threatening, even going as far as trying to catch his bluff and filling out divorce documents online. I also started self harm. We both suffer from depression – although I’m more proactive about seeking help. We’ve been back and forth this whole time. He’ll say he wants to work on us but then retreats within himself. That would trigger my anger and the cycle would continue. Last week, after seeking all different kinds of help, my epiphany happened. I hadn’t yet actually given him space to breathe. He left and we haven’t spoken in a week. My heart is broken. I miss him terribly. We’ve been married for 22 years and I truly don’t believe it was all bad. I want to have hope that he’ll come back but I’m scared it’s too late. Any thoughts for me?
Hello
I am an extremely lonely husband. Been married nearly 21 years. 3 years ago my wife wakes up and says i have emotionally abused her and I have no empathy or don’t know how to treat her properly and she could have left me years ago but didnt and i should just give her space. Of course was in shock and every few weeks would ask on how to fix it and missing her etc. This went on for 18 months and we hardly spoke except when I tried to mend things to understand things. Then after my Son’s 16th and exams, she confirmed nothing had changed and we should seperate. She said she would organise to see a mediator and we would then tell the kids. Shortly after than my Dad who was my rock suddenly got Lung cancer and my stress levels increased and I became more anxious and stressed. I continued to pray for our marriage and gave her more space. She asked to move into the spare room and I did. We were strangers in the same house and the kids who were then 16 and 13 were seeing this. This year in january my dad passed away and then covid happened. I really tried to apologise and wish we could do councilling or at least discuss the issue. I was told I hadnt changed and she still wanted a separation. I am in limbo and now just waiting for the mediation date. I love my wife immensely and don’t want to break up but I am lost with all the loneliness and stress. She is fine and continues as normal, meeting friends, taking dog for a walk and focusing only on kids. I am a third wheel. I don’t know if this is mid life crises but I am losing faith and patience in getting things resolved as I wait for date with the lawyer.
Sorry for the long email but people think I am crazy waiting in this scenario for 3 years but I guess I just pray for some miracle. Please help if you can?
Hello,
I cheated on my husband last year. He found out and said he would forgive me but I continued talking to this other man in the phone. My husband found out. I regret it and want us to stay married. We’ve been married 13 years and have 3 kids under 8. My infidelity is what finally pushed him to sobriety. He has battled alcoholism our whole marriage which led to my resentment. I’m not making excuses, I know what I did was wrong. I’ve forgiven him and stayed with him many times even through a rehab stint. Now I’m angry he won’t give me a chance to show him I want this marriage to work. I’ve pleaded but he has filed for divorce. Any advice would be appreciated. I’m at my wits end
Really difficult to read this and all these comments…and be sitting here….and its too late.
So much in here I just wish my wife would also see ( I read this back while we both were moving out of the house.)
But it simply is too late as she has already ‘unexpectedly’ , even to her, moved on.
Now nothing that is said or how i get rid of ‘against’ energy i get…she has too much now that fullfills what makes this midlife shift ‘happy’ again and nothing will change it.
I…dont know how to shift to ‘acceptance’ stage because it continues to get worse as now she wants to move kids out of state and me resisting uprooting and following just makes for more tension because we just completly disagree on how its all going down.
She understands my side, yet states this is the path and we need to adjust.
Just seems too one sided. Resisting will just make everything tougher on the kids in the long run.
I dont know how to shut my brain off from mulling over the coulda shoulda woulda’s when you read more and more articles like these that reinterate what possibly could have saved the marriage, but now is entirely too late with a new man( and from what i can tell , is good man) in the picture. There is no reason for her to feel the need for reconcialation because she said her heart was done before the new man even came into the picture.
I thought the time apart and would allow time to calm down and help…instead, it allowed her to move on 🙁 To know i was probably ‘againsting” is very hard pill to swallow
Thank you for your comment. The question of whether it is too late is one of the most common we receive, so I created a video to address this that I encourage you to check out here: http://www.top20questions.com/not-too-late-video/