Have you ever wondered what makes cheating spouses cheat in the first place? They certainly didn’t get married with the intention of being unfaithful to their spouse, so why did they do it?
Many “infidelity experts” on the internet will get you focused on finding solid PROOF that will expose your spouse or catch them “in the act”. But instead of putting all your effort in finding proof of adultery, your energy could be better spent first understanding what went wrong with the two of you in the first place.
It’s fairly common for “chronic” cheaters to go looking for some other relationship the moment things start to become a little difficult for them. Cheaters are often programmed to cheat in their first ten years by being raised by an immoral mother or father who considered cheating to be perfectly legitimate.
So rather than admitting and accepting that there’s a problem the cheater is responsible for, they look for someone else to fulfill their needs, just like their mom or dad did. These “needs” could be anything from physical to intellectual relations leading to an emotional, then physical affair.
There’s 2 things you need to know about affairs.
1) Affairs begin because one spouse’s needs are not being met by their spouse. Cheating spouses go looking for and are drawn to someone else who WILL (temporarily) meet those needs. Most amazingly, the vast majority of troubled spouse cannot tell the one they married, what their emotional needs really are. They just don’t know.
2) Your spouse is cheating on you because that person had a parent, mother or father, who had an affair that led to divorce in their first ten years. If this is true of your husband or wife, there’s an almost certain guarantee that you’ll have to deal with a cheating spouse at some point in your marriage.
Because cheating is not so much the problem in a marriage, but more of a symptom, we need to look at what you did or did not do, that drove them to cheat.
Now by all means, I’m not saying it was right for your spouse to cheat on you and that it is all your fault. What I’m saying is that your spouse has cheated on you because their needs were not being met by you.
So where did you do wrong? That’s easy. You remained ignorant. First of all, you were totally unaware that your spouse had unexpressed needs that you were not meeting and second, the person you married came with a high risk factor for an affair taking place that acted like a bomb with a short fuse. Your inability to meet their emotional needs lit the fuse while the other man or woman in the affair set off the bomb that was built into your spouses’ brain during his or her childhood.
But that’s not all, there’s something else you must realize about cheaters, especially women. Women tend to idealize love as something they just “fall into” to you. Even the saying “falling in love” implies that it is something you have no control of at all. Men or women who have this belief are the quickest to give up on a relationship when they feel they’ve “fallen” out of love.
Most unfaithful partners feel that love is nothing they can control. If your spouse loves the idea of romance and being “in love”, firmly believes in soul mates, and thrives on unpredictable excitement, then he or she will expect these things as a way of life. If this sounds like your spouse, then your marriage is at high risk of an affair or divorce.
The idea of soul mates exists in romance movies but rarely does life deliver the perfect mate. It can happen, but not very often because love is first something you do first, then something you feel. Our culture leads us to believe that this is not true however. Movies, books and television glamorize the idea of two inseparable soul mates that overcome insurmountable odds but manage to stay together because of their true love.
Contrary to what most people want to believe and what our entertainment culture LEADS you to believe…Love is something you feel ONLY after something that you do. The courtship stage of a new relationship clearly demonstrates this because you are both on your best behavior with each other. But what happens 10 years down the road? Life’s normalcy kicks in, you get back into your old routines and your programming from your childhood kicks in.
Here’s what I mean.
You will do in your marriage what you were raised to do by your father, if you’re a man, or by your mother if you’re a woman. Worst of all, you don’t have a clue you’re doing it, especially when your spouse shouts “You’re just like your father!” or “You’re just like your mother!”, both statements are intended to be insults and you’ll take them that way too.
There is one exception to this rule and that is people who rebel against the way their parents lived when they were young. This happens because these “buckers” were consciously aware that they didn’t like this way of living as a child and they won’t stand for it today.
Now that you understand these basics about cheating spouses, you need to see the path that all cheating spouses travel through called The 8 Steps To Divorce.
In this graphic are 8 collections of emotions, 5 in each step. When a husband or wife spends most of their time in one particular step, that’s called their “Home Step”. The Step below a “Home base Step” is called their “Visitor Step” because as the marriage gets worse, that spouse will visit the step below their “Home base Step” and then return home. Eventually, their “Visitor Step” finally becomes their new “Home base” and thus they work their way down toward divorce.
Without seeing these clearly defined 8 Steps, no spouse can see how close they are to divorce. A spouse who is vulnerable to cheating can be turned around provided you know what you are doing and why. But first you must locate where you and your cheating spouse are on the 8 steps diagram. Since neither of you have clearly seen these emotions described in a step by step format, it will be very helpful to your current situation to understand exactly what point you are at right now in your marriage.
This graphic allows you to talk about where you are now and why you’re there. Most important, it allows you to see where the goal is…which is being Happy together. You can define it, you can describe it. You can remember when the two of you were actually there. And if you were there once, you can get there again.
Cheating is not always a marriage death sentence unless that cheating spouse cannot wake up from that destructive childhood bomb that says cheating is good, normal, right and justified.
After an affair has been discovered and the ugly emotions have been shared, you want to get down to the business of clearly and simply explaining each of your emotional needs.
Here are the basics.
Men need to know this about women. They have TWO needs. One is financial. The other is emotional. Most men know about the financial need, but they don’t know about the emotional needs of women. Men often believe that once they provide the financial security, they’re done. That’s totally wrong as any woman will admit.
So women need financial security and emotional security and a man needs to know exactly what those needs are and how to deliver them.
Now Women need to know this about men. Men also have two needs. One is respect, the other is intimacy. Most women know about men’s’ need for intimacy but they have no clue about their great need for respect.
If you want a free report that will not only help you define your needs, but also show you how to measure them go to fulfilled couple.com and click on the free report button.
Here’s a statistic I’m going to leave you with today that might give you some much needed hope during this difficult time in your life. A study from the Institute for American Values found that “almost eight out of 10 couples who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.”
What this means is that if you just work to find a way to get through this affair, this obstacle in your marriage, and start meeting each other’s needs, your marriage will be much stronger than it was…even BEFORE the affair took place.
I work with individuals every day whose marriages were damaged by infidelity, but because they’ve decided that they are 100% committed to making their marriage work, even WITHOUT their spouses participation they are able to begin meeting their spouse’s needs through the step-by-step action plan in my live, 8 hour support system called the Environment Changer program. Even if your spouse isn’t living with you right now, it IS possible to turn your relationship around. I see it happen every day – even when infidelity is a major issue in their marriage.
If you are serious about saving your marriage or have questions for me, you can register for a private one hour call via the link below to see if my approach is a good fit for you. I will help you make sense of your situation and so you can understand how you arrived at this point in your marriage and what you can do about it.
Here’s how to get started…