Today we will continue with the “3 step system” series that will give you a MUCH better chance of “getting through to your spouse and opening the lines of communication.
Step 3 of 3: Discover Your Invisible Lifestyle – The REAL Cause Of Your Marriage Problems…
Special Note: In the last issue of my Insider’s Guide To a Happy Marriage newsletter, I gave you two “assignments” to complete. The first was sign up for my 7-day email mini-course and the second was to watch the movie “The Secret”.
Have you had a chance to complete these assignments yet? If not, I suggest you do so as soon as possible.
Here are the links again:
2. Watch the movie “The Secret” at the official Secret web site.
Okay, with that out of the way…onto Step 2 of “What to do when your spouse has told you, “I don’t love you anymore”.
Today you’ll be learning about “Your Invisible Lifestyle”, and how it is affecting your marriage.
Did you know that the NUMBER ONE cause of frequent arguing in your marriage is caused by your Invisible Lifestyle?
Married couples who come from completely different ‘backgrounds’ or childhoods, are fighting for their parents’ beliefs or value systems.
But let me back up, I’m getting way ahead of myself… Let me first explain what your Invisible Lifestyle is.
You were shown to live your life a certain way by your parents (or guardian) when you were young…and so was your spouse.
Think of it this way. When you were born, you were basically a ‘blank canvas’. And as you grew up, (specifically between ages 1-8), your parents shaped your way of living. They taught you right from wrong, what to believe/not to believe, how to treat others…and how to treat your SPOUSE, (among many other things.)
Now I’m sure they didn’t DELIBERATELY tell you…
“When You Get Married, If You Have Any Problems, You Need To RUN From Them…As Fast As You Can! Conflict is bad, so avoid it at all costs.”
Of course they wouldn’t say that.
But you take on their values without even knowing it! Or maybe you were just the opposite… Maybe you actually NOTICED and COULDN’T STAND when one or both of your parents avoided conflict. So today, you face conflict HEAD ON.
This is what is called your Invisible Lifestyle. It’s a simple, yet powerful concept with only TWO parts to it… I call these Invisible Lifestyle A and Invisible Lifestyle B.
Invisible Lifestyle A: In Invisible Lifestyle A, you are living your life today EXACTLY as your parents lived THEIR LIFE….and you don’t even know you’re doing it! You didn’t notice it as a child and you don’t notice it today.
Invisible Lifestyle B: And then there is Invisible Lifestyle B. If live by Invisible Lifestyle B, you are then what I call a “Bucker”. If you ABSOLUTELY COULDN’T STAND the way your parents lived when you were young, you “bucked” their value system and are living your life today the exact OPPOSITE way that your parents lived theirs.
So what does this have to do with your marriage? EVERYTHING.
People get married every day with completely opposite values.
This is a *VERY* bad thing if you’re not armed with a COMPLETE understanding of each others values when you enter the marriage.
Imagine your spouse came from a household that was a complete ‘disaster zone’ everywhere you looked. Every room in the house looked like it was just hit by a hurricane. Your spouses parents’ didn’t mind that their house was a total disaster because that’s the way that THEIR parents’ houses were…SO THEY THOUGHT IT WAS NORMAL.
And let’s say that YOUR spouse didn’t have a problem with his/her parents’ messy house either. S/he thought that this was just a regular part of life, so to this day, your spouse creates messes everywhere s/he goes… …kind of like Pigpen in the Charlie Brown cartoon.
And let’s assume that YOUR parents kept a spotless home at all times. Every weekend your parents would gather the family together for a ‘family cleanup day’. You enjoyed cleaning the house because of the satisfaction you felt afterward.
Now just imagine what kind of conflict this simple issue of cleanliness could cause in your marriage.
If your spouse always creates messes and never cleans up after leaving a room, this leaves you with the constant task of cleaning up after him/her. You begin to feel more like a parent to your spouse than a wife/husband!
This simple ‘clash of value systems’ creates resentment towards your spouse.
What’s REALLY going on here is the two of you are fighting over your parents’ value systems because that’s the way you were SHOWN to live by your parents.
But Here’s the Big Problem…
NEITHER of you have a clue that you are demanding each other to be in agreement with YOUR parents’ particular values…..simply because you can’t even see them yourself!
That’s why this concept is not called your “Visible Lifestyle”. Very few people actually STOP and QUESTION their way of living…they think it’s just the NORMAL way to live out life.
And when someone tries to say otherwise…they are of course, “WRONG”.
“My way is better…no, my way is better!…back and forth….bickering over whose way of living is better, with BOTH of you trying to get the other to become more like YOURSELF.
So what does all this mean for you and your spouse? What’s the solution?
You NEED to start talking about *WHY* you do things a certain way and why you live your life as you do.
Yes, I know it’s not a very “glamorous” solution, but saving your marriage IS going to require a bit of work. There’s no way around it. But realistically – in the end – isn’t your family worth it?
Ask yourself which parent gave you your values…
– Do you hate clutter because one or both of your parents were ‘pack rats’?
– Do you often turn to alcohol when you’re stressed out because one or both of your parents thought it was a good way to ‘calm their nerves’?
– Are you always on time as an adult because one of your parents taught you that being late was inconsiderate?
Whatever the issue is, GOOD or BAD…remember that your way of living was shaped by the adults that raised you.
NO ONE can escape this. Now before you even THINK about placing blame on someone, let me say this…
It’s NOT YOUR Fault. And It’s NOT Your Spouses’ Fault Either..OR Your Parents.
Blaming Is NOT The Answer Here.
Your parents raised you to the best of their ability.
And if they made some mistakes, it was probably because of something they learned from THEIR parents…who learned from THEIR parents…and so on…up the family tree.
When you openly talk to your spouse about your parents (or guardians) and what their values were, you’ll create open communication and understanding between the two of you.
Discovering Your Invisible Lifestyle is Like Finding The ‘Missing Ingredient’ To a Happy Marriage.
If you don’t openly discuss why you value what you do today, you will literally have NO IDEA why your spouse is doing things that irritate you…and you’ll begin to draw YOUR OWN CONCLUSIONS..
If your spouse is messy, you might interpret that as being LAZY.
If your spouse is frequently late, you might see that as being inconsiderate or selfish, but in REALITY, that is the way your spouse was SHOWN to live by his/her parents.
And unless you make the connection between your parents’ way of life when you were a child…and the way you live your life today, neither of you will EVER have any idea why you constantly argue about certain issues…and they will NEVER be resolved.
(Believe me, I had NO IDEA why my wife and I never saw eye to eye for 27 LONG, chaotic years. We couldn’t even go ONE DAY without a fight until I finally understood the concept of the Invisible Lifestyle.)
In fact, ironically enough, it was actually my wife who came up with the concept of the Invisible Lifestyle early one morning after one of our 3 DAY BATTLES of not speaking to each other.
She explained how her childhood created the strong willed woman she is today, and she also helped me realize how my IRRESPONSIBLE parents made me into the careless and immature man I was years ago.
This awareness alone significantly REDUCED MY STRESS level because I finally understood why she and I valued what we did…but also why we so RARELY got along.
Because understanding your Invisible Lifestyle is so CRITICAL to a successful marriage and because it can have such an significant impact on your relationship with your spouse, I’ve developed an online mini course that you and your spouse can use to discover YOUR OWN Invisible Lifestyle!
After all, isn’t it time you put an end to the viscious cycle of destructive programs in your family once and for all?
If you want to restore your original love, it’s absolutely critical that you uncover the hidden programs that are driving a wedge in your marriage right now and pushing you even closer to divorce.
Forget The Past. Right Now, You Can Overcome Your Negative Programming – and It’s EASIER Than You Might Think.
But before you discover your own Invisible Lifestyle, it’s important you have a strong grasp on the “Big Picture” surrounding the importance of your Invisible Lifestyle and how it is affecting your marriage.
I’ve addressed this issue in the following 10 minute video.
(NOTE: The video will open in a new window, please allow it a moment to load.)
As mentioned in the video, the Invisible Lifestyle mini course includes 4 main components that get into the details of the problem and the solution surrounding what I call the “Chaos Kid” issue (this is addressed in the video above).
COMPONENT #1) In the first part of this system, you’ll watch the “The Invisible Lifestyle Overview Videos” as your orientation where I walk you through the entire mini course so you know what to expect and what you’ll need to do.
COMPONENT #2) In the second part of this system is the Invisible Lifestyle report that goes into detail about what your Invisible Lifestyle is and how it was created in simple layman terms so it?s easy to understand.
COMPONENT #3) The third component you’ll receive is The Invisible Lifestyle Workbook that gives you a way to actually find your programs from your childhood, indentify them and compare how your two sets of parents programmed you.
COMPONENT #4) And finally, the fourth part of this system is the “How To Apply Your Invisible Lifestyle Results Manual” which tells you what your answers mean, what to do about them now and how you can start to overcome your conflicts with no hard feelings on either side.