Bea’s Question for Marsha…
“1) When things were good we had no children, I had endless time to devote to him, and I was not working and going to school. I never told him about a bad day and was on a career path he liked. I had no other obligations so I could hunt, fish, and help him all the time.
2) He’s distant and cold, doesn’t respect me, never tries to find time together. I’m worn out to the point of illness from trying to reconnect him, working a job I hate, and be a great mom. We are in the middle of divorce proceedings I have strong beliefs against divorce, but can’t change his mind.
3) I feel sad that I can’t give my daughter a mommy and daddy in the same house, betrayed that he never could accept that I needed to change careers because I would make less money, upset about the first time he admitted there was anything he wanted me to change was when he asked for a divorce. I’ve brought problems to our marriage and I have felt so trapped by him that it has made things tough on me and pushed me into some serious depression. I feel that he just doesn’t even care to try to find common ground because he likes his ground too much.
4) I don’t know what I can do to fix things, but I’m working on changing careers now, and am also working on being myself again and loving myself again. I think we could work it out if he would quit trying to “fix” everything for me and let me fail from time to time so I can learn and grow. I’m willing to accept him as he is, however I need to have a life/career I am proud of and enjoy and to not be confined to working 60+ hours a week in a job I hate and am no good at. We have a child and lived away from family…we can’t both work that much each week. Now he doesn’t want me to work because he’s scared I will get sick again, but resents me being at home and thinks I will hate all careers just because I hate this one. I’ve been trapped, but I want to work it out for my daughter…she deserves it…and my husband and I still get along and have never fought so I want it to work. Is there anything I can do? Divorce agreement has already been drawn up.”
Marsha’s Answer for Bea,
“It sounds like you are the one in the relationship that is trying to make it work.
Is he willing to work on it? If he has mentally and emotionally checked out then it is up to you and you alone to work on the marriage. One thing you need to focus on right away is keeping yourself calm and sane for your child.
Having never fought just means that someone has kept everything inside. It is really hard to fix something that isn’t acknowledged.
My husband Larry has a video that I think will help you understand where some of your husband beliefs are coming from about your career. The video is titled “Why You Fight” and you can watch it here.
Larry teaches that it’s important to understand WHY your husband has the beliefs and values that he does. It’s also important you clearly identify what your belief system says about a man and a woman’s role in marriage as well as your husband’s.
I would suggest you consider scheduling a private call with my husband Larry. He can give you a much clearer perspective on your situation so you can develop a plan to save your marriage.”
Here’s how to get started…