Today we’ll be covering step 2 of the “3 step system” that will give you a MUCH better chance of getting through to your spouse and opening the lines of communication.
In your last lesson, we briefly talked about Step 1 (a and b) of the ‘3 step system’ you need to follow if you want to get your spouse back after hearing those fateful words “I’m not in love with you anymore”…
The first and most critical step in this system is ‘training’ yourself to refrain from belittling your spouse and ‘guilting’ them into feeling about the size of a thumbtack.
You see, 99% of married couples make one fatal mistake after they reach that earth-shattering moment in their marriage when their spouse tells them “I’m not in love with you anymore.”
If You Make This Mistake, It Will Practically Guarantee Your Spouse Will Walk Out On You…
So what is this fatal mistake?
Instead of trying to find the REASON for your spouse’s discontentment, you decide to make your spouse feel GUILTY for ‘tearing apart the family’ by *name calling* or *belittling* him or her.
Why would you do such a thing?
The truth is, we all make irrational decisions and say hurtful things that we end up regretting in the long run simply because we don’t how to control our negative feelings.
Now Picture This…
For the past few months, your marriage has had its ups and downs and you realize something needs to be done, but you figure you’ve got plenty of time to figure something out.
Then one day after a heated argument your spouse shouts out, “I don’t love you anymore, I never really did…in fact, I’ve been seeing someone and I want a divorce!”
Your initial response might be shock, quickly followed by a rush of anger and resentment.
Your mind IMMEDIATELY fills up with images of your once, “true love” now showing interest in some other man or woman at work.
You might even feel like you’ve been ‘taken for a fool’, but more often…you’ll just become SO furious that you lose complete control of your emotions…and just EXPLODE.
Now Here’s What’s REALLY Happening…
Losing complete control and releasing your anger may temporarily make YOU feel better, but every time you ‘explode’ like this, you are driving your spouse further and further away from you…and that’s the ABSOLUTE WORST thing you can do at this point in your marriage.
How do you stop your negative feelings from absolutely SABOTAGING your marriage?
By changing the ‘picture’ or ‘image’ in your imagination.
Because that’s what we’re REALLY talking about here. There are negative pictures in your imagination that instantly create very negative feelings.
It is these pictures that make you feel bad, NOT the event taking place. And I know you’re probably thinking, “No Larry, it’s not MY imagination; it’s my HUSBAND (or WIFE’S) fault! THEY made me feel this way!
If this is the case, then I guess you are just a SLAVE to your circumstances. I hate to say it, but it’s true.
If you are going to let your emotions carry you up and down like a roller coaster, then you are setting yourself up for a VERY unhappy life.
I bet you didn’t know that YOU can change the way you react to the events, or things that happen in your life. And I’m willing to bet that even if you HAVE heard this before, you DIDN’T believe it was possible.
Just think about this for a minute.
If in the heat of the moment, instead of letting your mind go crazy thinking about how much you despise your spouse, imagine how good you would feel if you could just ‘block out’ that bad picture or image, and replace it with a good one instead?
Let me explain in a nutshell exactly where your ‘bad feelings’ come from…
When something bad happens in your life, like for instance, your spouse tells you ” I’m not in love with you anymore”, a little organ in your brain becomes alarmed.
This little organ is called the amygdala. It is an almond shaped organ in your brain that INSTANTLY ‘reacts’ to both negative and positive events that happen in your life. Your amygdala uses your memory to find an event from the past to compare this immediate event to.
If it DOES find a ‘bad memory’, the amygdala connects the current event…to that bad memory!
For example : You might have witnessed this phenomena during an argument with your spouse.
Let’s say this is your second marriage. In your first marriage, one of your biggest “pet peeves” was that your spouse simply would not accept what you were saying as a fact…no matter what it was.
S/he would always have to double check and confirm what you were saying was true, yet s/he would take ANYONE ELSE’S words as gospel. This absolutely drove you up the wall!
Now in your CURRENT marriage, although this is not a “hot button issue” that frequently causes arguments in your marriage, THE MOMENT your spouse ‘second guesses’ you – you completely LOSE IT.
Why? Simply because your amygdala INSTANTLY scanned your BAD memories from your previous marriage and CONNECTED that bad memory to this current event. (Your current spouse second guessing you.)
The moral of the story? In this scenario, your spouse did not intentionally do anything to upset you. But because your amygdala “jumped the gun” and made YOU see this as a BAD event, this event was escalated into an argument that could have been avoided if you knew how to control your negative feelings.
In situations like this, your imagination fills with ‘bad pictures’ of that old memory and makes you feel as if it the current event is happening all over again!
It is Actually the Good or Bad ‘Pictures’ in Your Imagination That Make You Feel a Certain Way…NOT The Event Itself.
Your nervous system is making you feel bad…NOT YOUR SPOUSE.
And when you feel bad, you have a bad attitude, or in this case…a terrible temper which then leads to an explosive argument with your spouse.
If you’re still a little confused, don’t worry, because this skill is the most fundamental skill you’ll learn in my Environment Changer program.
Over the course of 8, live, one-on-one phone calls, either myself or one of my Marriage Translators will walk you through the entire step-by-step system of controlling and eliminating your negative feelings in 60 seconds throughout each of- until this skill becomes ‘second nature’.
You’ll discover my time-tested and proven strategies for transforming yourself from the inside out, and positively affecting your spouse as a result – even AFTER an affair has taken place, the papers have been filed or your spouse has told you “it’s over”.
This concept might seem complicated if you’ve never heard it before, but it’s really simple once it is explained to you. But if you’re not ready to commit to the program just yet, you can go through my FREE, 7 day email mini course if you haven’t already.
This mini-course is a great introduction to this concept that covers the HOW’S and WHY’S of controlling your negative emotions.
When you’re armed with this insight, you can finally focus on improving your marriage instead of apologizing to your spouse for blurting out hurtful things that you really didn’t mean to say.
It IS possible to bring your marriage back from the brink of divorce IF you’re ready to be a good student of what you learn and commit yourself to the applying what you learn.