Tiffani’s Question For Larry…

“My boyfriend and I have been together for five years now and for five years he has wanted to get married to me, but I have a fear of marriage and especially divorce. I feel that after two kids and one on the way that I am finally ready to get married to him, but I also feel if I don’t just do it now then I probably never will. Am I ready to get married?”

– Tiffani

Larry’s Answer for Tiffani…

Tiffani,

Of course you are not ready for a legal commitment.  You fear commitment (marriage) greatly and your fear has created a legal situation that’s not favorable to you or your children.  Marriage is a legal construction between you, your man and the state you live in.

This legal construction gives you legal rights in society that the unmarried do not have.  When you just live together and produce children together, you have no legal rights to the money and assets produced and owned by your boyfriend.  Your children have your father’s name, not your boyfriend.  In an argument about who should the children live with (in a breakup) the law is not on your side because the law applies to people married under the legal institution called marriage.

After five years, you’re not married because you have seen the unhappiness of devastated marriages and you don’t want that pain for yourself.  Your solution was to remain unmarried but live like married people do.  You and your boyfriend have had to answer questions like “Who will the children live with if we decide to divorce?”  and “How much of your money belongs to me and “MY” children?  Your children struggle too because they are not sure why other kids have their dad’s last name, but they don’t.

Your wording in this message tells me you are riddled with insecurity and uncertainty.  That means you have a lot of fear about marriage and if you fear it now, you’re really going to fear it when you’re in it.

My advice is that there is a lot about yourself and your boyfriend you don’t know but should really learn.  Until that time, and until that fear of commitment goes away, you will stay as you are