Carlita’s Question For Larry…

My husband and I have been married for 27 years. He says he “hates sex”. We haven’t had sex in seven years. I was always the one in our relationship with a high libido. Is there any hope for sex?

Larry’s Answer:

Hi Carlita,

Thanks for writing about America’s most popular couples subject…sex.  In your question, you asked “is there hope for sex?”  This is not about hope.  It’s about knowledge.  You said your husband “hates” sex but you didn’t say that he hates sex with you.

My point is that there are two mistresses in America for men that can take their interest away from the woman they married.

1) The girl down at work who praises your husband and opens up the possibility of an affair and 2) the pornography industry on his computer.  Both of these are popular choices in how men relieve their built in biological pressure.  When a man, who normally “needs” sex no longer desires it, there are five questions to ask in order.

Women whose husbands no longer desires sex, should ask themselves the following questions:

1) Does he not want to have sex with me?

2) Does he not want to have sex at all? (lost desire)

3) Is it biological or is it emotional?

4) If it’s biological, is he willing to find a solution on his own? (i.e. Sex therapist)

5) If it’s emotional, is he willing to get help so he can get to the bottom of it? (i.e Medical doctor)

Of course I can’t know the answers to these questions about your husband, but at least you should start to ask them yourself in that order and get his help in answering them.  If he puts up a stone wall, then I believe your husband is a man who is afraid to talk to you because he sees you as not “safe” anymore.  Throughout all the couples I have worked with where intimacy is a big issue in their marriage, I’ve found the answer to this problem within one of the five questions above.

I hope this helps you Carlita, thanks for writing.