Welcome to another edition of “The Insider’s Guide To a Happy Marriage”. Today we’ll be covering the 3 biggest marriage myths that can destroy your marriage if you don’t avoid them.
As a little girl, most women dream about the “biggest day of their life”…their wedding day. They fantasize about finding the perfect man that will sweep them off their feet and love and honor them for the rest of their life.
Then after the honeymoon, it’s back to real life, but this time…as a married couple. It’s been proven that the first 2 years of marriage are the most difficult and have the highest divorce rate…
REASON #1: When couples get married, they have a set of expectations that were never clearly discussed with their partner BEFORE they tied the knot.
REASON #2: Most men and women are convinced that the
marriage myths discussed in this newsletter actually true. In fact, they’re SO convinced that when they find out the real truth, couples give up hope, considering divorce as their ONLY option.
Don’t fall into this trap. Believing in these myths will eventually destroy your marriage and result in terrible consequences that will negatively affect your entire family for YEARS to come (and in your children’s case, for the rest of their LIFE).
A much better option is to build a stronger marriage by avoiding these common and very destructive beliefs about marriage…
Myth #1 – “After we’re married, my spouse will change.”
Wrong! In rare cases and with great persistence, some men and women succeed in changing their partner, but
most people fight change at every turn.
Instead of attempting to change your partner, a far better strategy is to UNDERSTAND the person you married. You can start by understanding what Country your spouse is from.
(Just click on the link above and scroll down to step 2 on that page to learn about the 4 countries. You’ll find a link where you can download the “4 Country Card” for FREE!)
Over the years, I’ve discovered that there are just 4 different kinds of people in the world.
The link above takes you to web page where you can download a PDF file that will give you a better understanding of each of the 4 countries so you can find out which of these is YOUR country and which is your SPOUSE’S.
I’ve actually created illustrations of each of the people in the 4 countries and described them based on well over 15 years of researching these people.
After you’ve learned what to look for, you’ll be identifying the countries of your family, friends and coworkers. It’s a quick and easy way to understand who your spouse really is.
Myth # 2 – “I’ve fallen out of LOVE with My Partner.”
Falling “out of love” is one of the most common reasons people have an affair or get a divorce.
But what exactly IS “love”? Most people think that love is a FEELING. Some might describe it as the butterflies in your stomach you feel when you’re around that special someone. Others think that when you’re “in love”; you’ve
found the perfect person…your “soul mate”.
You probably won’t see too many people saying what I’m about to tell you because they’re afraid of getting too much “heat” for it, but I’m going to be blunt on this one because I want this to come as a wake up call for you….
LOVE is something you DO. It is NOT something you FEEL.
Romance novels, movies and television programs lead you to believe that love is a feeling for one reason; they make money selling “good feelings”.
Entertainment is not in the business of being truthful; they are in the “feel-good” business. Now I’m not going to deny the fact that when you meet someone you really enjoy being around, you definitely feel SOMETHING. But that “something” is not what you think it is.
The feeling of “love” is actually a chemical that is released into your brain that makes you feel “infatuated” with this other person. This period of infatuation is the first stage in a relationship known as the “Romance Phase”. It can last anywhere from a week to a year.
Couples often marry during this phase but when it’s over, they’re faced with the next phase….Ultimate Expectations.
Since every couple goes into a relationship with expectations, failure to have these met can quickly end the Romance phase, leading people to believe they’ve “fallen out of love” with their partner. But again, I want to stress that LOVE is something you DO.
The vast majority of couples I help admit that if they do not feel good, they cannot DO good things. This romance-feeling obsession has affected us in a very damaging way.
We’ve come to believe that if we don’t FEEL loving, we can’t BE loving, when in fact, love is what you DO when the feeling just isn’t there.
Can’t stand it when your husband forgets to take out the garbage again?
Take it out yourself and don’t complain. LOVE = SACRIFICE.
Love is NOT a feeling. Love can have feelings, but love is not a feeling.
Make a sacrifice. Do something you don’t like to do that will please your
Putting the needs of your spouse ahead of your own…NOW THAT’S LOVE.
Myth # 3 – “We’re Just Too Different, That’s Why We Need to Divorce.”
Have you ever wondered why arranged marriages have worked for centuries, yet today we can barely last past 1 year?
Those people didn’t fall in love.
They had no time for romance. One day they’re complete strangers, the next they’re brought together by their parents and forced to be husband and wife whether they like it or not!
These marriages were what their society was built on! The last 40 years of experimenting with our social systems has proven to be a grand failure. One of those failures was getting people to focus on themselves; their own happiness and the idea that other people owe them something.
As a consequence, all of us are influenced by ideas like…
… “Our marriage is broken so we need a divorce.”
… “We grew apart”… or…
… “We just fell out of love.”
I’ve worked with marriages that most would consider to be a complete disaster. One of the reasons they were a disaster was because the man was trying to get his wife to meet all HIS needs while his wife was trying to get him to meet all HER needs.
While they were busy trying to meet their OWN needs, they were attacking each other with critical comments as if to say…“I Will Beat You Up Until You Love Me.”
How could ANY marriage possibly be successful under those conditions? Not only do they have no idea what was wrong in their marriage (other than they both were unhappy), but they didn’t even know where to BEGIN fixing it.
There is a great deal of research that proves when couples stay together through the difficult times, they end up being much happier together just FIVE YEARS LATER.
A study from the Institute for American Values found that “almost eight out of 10 couples who avoided divorce were happily married five
My own 35 year marriage is my best example. My wife Marsha and I could not be any more different!
So why am I happy?
I’ve come to enjoy our differences by looking at Marsha as a foreign exchange student from Zimbabwe, Africa. In America, we treat our foreign exchange students with great patience, warm interest in their differences and we are supportive of them in every way.
But one thing is for sure…We DON’T try to change them.
My best advice to you? Treat your spouse like a foreign exchange student for the simple fact that it WORKS!
If you’re STILL determined to change your spouse or you feel you’re both too different or you’ve fallen out of love, no problem. There is still hope for your marriage, even if your spouse doesn’t want to help you save your marriage.
I’ve given you SOME of the skills you need to have a rewarding relationship. But to get your relationship back to the way it was when you were dating, you need customized support for your unique set of problems. And in order to “do good”, you must of course “feel good”.
If the resentment has built up so strong in your marriage that the two of you can barely look each other in the eye, you NEED to learn how to eliminate your negative emotions.
Until you know this, your every attempt to do something positive for your marriage will be set back with a rush of negative emotions that tell you things like…
– “What’s the point of trying to save this marriage when it might be too late already?”…
– “Why am I the one who has to do all the work, when SHE is the problem!?!”…Or the infamous…
– “I’ve just tried everything, but nothing seems to work”…
You may have tried everything, but it didn’t work because you were trying to change your BEHAVIOR, not your feelings. Until you learn how to stop letting your emotions run your life, you will keep hitting “road blocks” that will set you back.
After spending a full MONTH applying the positive “outward behaviors” you learned from XYZ course and you start to see some progress.
Suddenly you discover your wife has been involved in an emotional affair with someone at work and you lose COMPLETE control and get into a heated argument with your wife that prompts her to move out of the house back into her parents’ house.
All your progress for the past month is LOST…in a matter of minutes. All because you let your emotions run life.
You can learn the foundation of eliminating your negative feelings in my FREE, 7-day email mini-course.
But if you’re ready to become “a master of your emotions”, you can check out my Environment Changer program where students learn how to transform themselves from the INSIDE out, and positively affect their spouse.
Your spouse does NOT have to participate in ANY way (though they can if they are willing) and throughout 8, live, one hour phone calls, you will learn how to take control of your life and influence the events and people are all around you. The key to saving a marriage starts with working on the “inner” you.
Outward behaviors are short term, and your spouse knows it. It’s time to PROVE to your spouse that things WILL be different this time around, saying it is just not going to cut it anymore. Take the first step towards a better marriage today.