Mo’s Question For Marsha…

Hi Marsha,

“We had a beautiful life where we shared everything. We saw each other every day for 18 months before we got married. We stayed the same after marriage and had a lot in common.

After we had children, my wife had postpartum depression which I didn’t notice because we moved to a new country for a new job. She doesn’t care for the children at all and I had to always remind her to take care of everything.

It makes me feel that she wants to enjoy life care-free while I have to take care of everything. I cannot have responsible for anything as she always fails to do it. I became so upset, I started scaring her to get things done.

She had an affair for two and a half months with someone and I discovered it last month. She left home citing that she has mixed feelings and she did it as revenge. She said they only kissed by I highly suspect that they slept with each other as she went to his apartment.

She still lied to me about the details of the affair and therefore I believe we cannot go on as I don’t trust her. What shall I do? I’m steaming with anger about being cheated yet I love her and don’t want to loose her.”

Marsha’s Answer to Mo:

Hi Mo,

I am really sorry to hear of your situation. I am not an expert on this subject since my husband is the one who works with couples, but I can give you my opinion.

I feel that people are too quick to end their marriages just because their spouse has changed or has done something they may regret in the future.

If you have children they should be your first priority. You need to make your home as stable as you possibly can. You need to keep your feelings from them and if you do have a discussion with your wife it should be away from your home and children.

Your wife may just be going through a period where she is focused primarily on herself. I think a lot of women don’t realize that being married and having children sometimes isn’t as much fun as it was in their minds while they were dating. From what you said in your question, I don’t believe it has anything to do with you or anything you did.

My husband Larry works with a lot of men married to women who have abandoned their responsibilities and families to as they put it “find themselves” in an effort to “get happy”.  The focus and importance of happiness  is so widely emphasized on television, magazines and media that I personally believe it becomes a factor when these women decide to leave their families and focus on themselves.

I think you need to give it some time and either get some help or see if your wife is willing to talk about it with you and let you in on her feelings. She may just find out that whatever she thinks she wants she already has.  I really hope you can keep yourself together for the sake of your kids. All you can really do is try to be understanding, patient and civil. Whatever she is thinking or feeling is something that you can’t control.

Have you spoken about this with anyone? Would you like to? I may be able to have Larry give you a call free of charge for you to get a better handle on what you are dealing with since he is the one with all the experience. Let me know if this is something you are interested in.

Take care,
Marsha