Lisa’s Question For Larry…

Larry,

I did NOT cheat on my husband, he is convinced I did. What do I do? I have been going through this for 5 years and I am so lost on what to do. Please I really need help ASAP!!!

Thank you,

Lisa

Larry’s Answer:

Hi Lisa, thanks for your question.

Look at your husband’s first ten years of childhood and you’ll see that there was a parent who was highly insecure and highly suspicious. That suspicion is built into his brain. It more than likely has nothing to do with what you do or don’t do. He has a program that says a woman cannot be trusted and all women do is lie.

The amazing part of this is, he has no idea that…

Chelo’s Question For Larry….

Dear Larry:

I have been reading your material for a few weeks. We are not legally married but we did get married in a celtic pagan ceremony this last summer. We have known each other for four and a half years. The first few months I was over the moon as he is a gentle creative man and I felt I could open up in his presence.

Sex was great, we shared music, family histories (though he said he had forgotten most of his childhood) But soon after this I started noticing akward phrases such as: I’m so happy! but i know this won’t work. It took two years to get to the stage where he opened up but the more he started opening up about feelings and family history (He lost a girlfriend that later committed suicide) the more he started switching moods…I always felt that all this was about someone else in his past and that all this was being transferred to me . Then i met his parents…alot to say there as father was totally silent and mother very self self centred.

These days he sees connection about the way things were and his moods and nightmares…but every week he goes through a proccess where he says its all this relationship, he cannot be with me, and then as I’m upset in tears and ready to find a place to rent (as I live in his beautiful place where I have put so much work, with our cats and dog) then he says something has changed inside him, he feels grounded and more real and all the sutff he has said before does seem absurd.

One moment he says he could be gay, then, he may be meant to be alone, then he says he feels relaxed with everybody but me…then he again to the ‘grounded’ non stressed stage. I have been feeling very depressed, frustrated and sick and I feel quite hopeless. I come from a very abusive background and I thought for first time (I’m 50) I was building something real. Now sexual intimacy is also gone but cuddles are still there. I feel grieved and confused. I wish I…

Carlita’s Question For Larry…

My husband and I have been married for 27 years. He says he “hates sex”. We haven’t had sex in seven years. I was always the one in our relationship with a high libido. Is there any hope for sex?

Larry’s Answer:

Hi Carlita,

Thanks for writing about America’s most popular couples subject…sex. In your question, you asked “is there hope for sex?” This is not about hope. It’s about knowledge. You said your husband “hates” sex but you didn’t say that he hates sex with you.

My point is that there are two mistresses in America for men that can take their interest away from the woman they married.

1) The girl down at work who praises your husband and opens up the possibility of an affair and 2) the pornography industry on his computer. Both of these are popular choices in how men relieve their built in biological pressure. When a man, who normally “needs” sex no longer desires it, there are five questions to ask in order.

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Cindy’s Question For Marsha…

“We’ve been married over 22 years, together over 23 1/2. I really don’t like him AT all!”

1) I don’t really remember our marriage every being “good.”
Before the “I do’s,” we at least seemed to be content, although we were broke and didn’t do much. Of course I believe I made HUGE mistake in marrying him, but you can’t undo history.

2) Our marriage is a constant war zone. I’ve been a homemaker, stay at home, homeschooling wife/mom. Our oldest, who’s 19 moved out this June. He’s betrothed and in college. Our youngest is 16, has been lonely with his brother gone, we live in a dead very small little town. He’s sick of being here alone in the war zone with us, and I’m ready to let him move into his own place near his brother for his own mental health.

3) I think my husband is a sociopath. I have standards and believed in staying till the kids were grown, and have almost accomplished that. But I am having a hard time now believing that was the best choice. The oldest moving out, and now likely the youngest, it’s forcing us to deal with all of our problems, and he trys to avoid everything. At least he works. He knows this is the case, because he’s so out of the loop around here, when he attempts to pay attention, he gets himself in more trouble than if he’d have just kept his mouth shut. Then whines complaining, “I know, I’m just the witless provider.” I say back, you get what you put into life. I’m just tired and realize divorce is likely the only option out of this hell.

Most emotional affairs start out as an innocent friendship. You see each other often, go out to lunch every now and then, share your thoughts and feelings with each other…so where’s the harm in that?

For starters, just like a drug…emotional affairs can be ADDICTING.

Have you ever wondered what makes cheating spouses cheat in the first place? They certainly didn’t get married with the intention of being unfaithful to their spouse, so why did they do it?

Many “infidelity experts” on the internet will get you focused on finding solid PROOF that will expose your spouse or catch them “in the act”. But instead of putting all your effort in finding proof of adultery, your energy could be better spent first understanding what went wrong with the two of you in the first place.

It’s fairly common for “chronic” cheaters to go looking for some other relationship the moment things start to become a little difficult for them. Cheaters are often programmed to cheat in their first ten years by being raised by an immoral mother or father who considered cheating to be perfectly legitimate.

A common question I receive is “How can I restore the intimacy in my sexless marriage?”

If there’s one subject in marriage where you can find a flurry of expert opinions, it’s got to be intimacy. It’s a supercharged topic for men and women but the reason they’re both charged up is not the same…

When women search for the answer about restoring intimacy when sex has disappeared, they’re not thinking about sex like men do. Men have a tough time understanding this so to help answer the question more accurately, let’s first look at two groups of women.

Those who are emotionally secure in themselves and those who are not. For emotionally secure women, sex is her end game, only AFTER her man takes care of his responsibilities. When he works to make her life easier, cares for her emotionally and is a great father to his children, then her emotions urge her toward the physical act of sex which her husband’s behavior has drawn her to.

But for women who are emotionally IN-secure, it’s a different story.

I know firsthand what it’s like to be in a painful marriage because back in the 90’s I was trapped in a marriage made in hell. Like you, I also wanted to know what to do first, second, third. I wanted exact steps and I wanted relief. I was desperately searching for some way to overcome the tremendous amount of pressure, stress and tension I endured day in and day out.

But unlike you I wasn’t looking for a way to save my marriage – I was too selfish for that. What I needed was to save my own SANITY because my wife didn’t believe in divorce.