Corey’s question for Larry…
1) What your marriage was like back when things were good?
A. we did everything together
B. if fighting one of us would just laugh or smile and say i love you i am sorry
C. nothing was more important or got in the way of us and we could talk openly
2) What your marriage is like now that things are bad?
A. we cant have fun, everything is a challenge
B. she blames me for her being unhappy when no matter what i do to please her
C. there is no compromise her way take it or leave it
3) How this makes you feel.
A. hurt bc i want her happy but no matter how hard i try it doesn’t work
B. like i do not mean anything to her bc she is only interested in what she wants. I’m not important
C. jumping through hoops. everyday there is something i do wrong if i fix one thing there is a different problem with me the next day
4) What you believe you can do about it.
A. learn how to to keep calm and not let my emotions run wild when she is telling me everything i do wrong, instead of taking up for myself and making it worse
B. she had an abusive childhood so find ways to help her heal her pain with out making her feel attacked
C. learn to listen to what she is saying rather than just hearing the words, and to get her to do the same for me. Basically get us back on same level of communication.
How do I get her to stop blaming me for our marriage, and convince her that we both have been wrong and that our current way of marriage doesn’t work so lets find the answer together instead of being divided over immature actions bc we lost sight of what the other needed and acted out of being hurt instead of being calm and understanding?
Larry’s Answer for Corey…
You did a great job of answering in this simplified format. You condensed your thoughts really well. What I want to point out is that the two of you started out being who you really were, people who wanted to love and to be loved. But then something amazing happened. If you follow my work on Chaos Kids, you know already what happened. The machines that were built in your childhood brains, are on a mission to re-create your childhood homes.
Your wife probably had more childhood pain than you. What actually happened to her is that she was forced by this machine in her brain to re-create her mother in your marriage. This machine in her brain that mother created, treated dad exactly the way you are being treated now. Your wife cannot learn anything, cannot discuss this and cannot even be open to the idea that this machine exists.
I have hundreds of interviews where I found out about people’s childhoods. They talk about this brain takeover this way… “I know what I am doing is wrong. I really wish I could stop. But I don’t have the first clue how.”
That’s exactly what’s happening to your wife right now. She knows what she is doing is wrong but she cannot stop. The machine is more powerful than her. You must have grown up in a better childhood home because you can actually write to me, you can research the Internet looking for help but your wife can not and will not do any of those things. You are the stronger one in the marriage because you have less childhood pain and probably more positives in that machine of yours. That means you have more freedom to choose and when you look at what you wrote, it’s very clear you do have more free choice than she does.
If you are serious about saving your marriage or have questions for me, you can register for a private one hour call via the link below to see if my approach is a good fit for you. I will help you make sense of your situation and so you can understand how you arrived at this point in your marriage and what you can do about it.
Here’s how to get started…
Thanks for writing Corey. I hope this helps.