What Causes Midlife Crisis? The Real Origin [EXPLAINED]

You might be wondering, what causes midlife crisis?  Was it something you did? Maybe hormones…just a rough patch?

Some people see midlife crisis as trivial or something that doesn’t exist. A middle-aged man driving a red sports car might come to mind when the term midlife crisis comes to mind.

You’ve heard the saying the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, right? From words and tone of voice to attitude and gestures – both good and bad messages are passed from biological parent to child.

These messages are “installed” in a child’s subconscious mind early in life and they last a lifetime.

What does this have to do with midlife crisis?  Everything.

Painful Messages & Midlife Crisis

Abandonment, abuse, and neglect during the first 10 years of childhood is one of the most common origins of midlife crisis. Why 10 years? Because brain science has established that the brain’s neuron network is formed during the first 10 years of life.

Let’s imagine that your father had an angry father (your grandfather), who would blow up in a rage at the smallest things.  Your grandfather put anger messages into your father’s subconscious mind.

In this scenario, your father would likely treat you the same way – that is – unless he was a “bucker” who resisted his father’s messages.

Now fast-forward to adulthood.

These messages “turn on” at a time when you’re vulnerable to them, usually between age 35 to 45. (For some, it’s earlier or later in life.)

The moment your father’s “program” turns on, you’re completely unaware of it.  You are literally “possessed” by the instructions he put in your brain.

Are you aware at that moment?  Probably not. Will you be sorry later?  Most are.  The word “possessed” is appropriate because possessed means “to fall under the control of an emotional response or reaction”.

When you’re possessed during moments of weakness, you are taken over by your most unproductive mother program or father program.

How Childhood Shapes Us

Part of that program is how you see yourself in the world – your self-image.  If mom and dad had a poor self-image, it would be rare for their child to have a healthy self-image unless they had an alternative healthy role model guiding them through life such as a coach, grandparent, etc.  That, or if they were a bucker and consciously rejected their parent’s ways of life and paved their own way.

But most people are not buckers.  Most children end up acting and living like mom and dad.  They become what mom and dad became as adults.

Although mothers focus more on emotions, they create social skills while fathers create emotional security.

Modern-day culture puts a big burden on mothers to be the emotional foundation for children and if the kids turn out troubled, we tend to look at the mother with fault.  Society then limits fathers to merely being money makers and skill teachers, but this is incorrect.

If you were supported and believed in by your father during your childhood, as an adult today, you have a great feeling about yourself and see life in a positive light. You’re emotionally secure, flexible, and don’t fall apart in the face of criticism. In other words, you have a good self-image.

Now let’s assume you received negative messages in your childhood years. As an adult, you would struggle to live the life you want. Why? Because your subconscious mind tells you the messages are true, and they are your “instruction manual” on how to live life.

What causes midlife crisis is the trauma you or your spouse received as a kid.

A midlife crisis IS the result of childhood chaos because troubled childhoods lead to troubled marriages.

There are very few rare exceptions to this rule. When you look to a Chaos Kid’s childhood, you’ll inevitably find some type of incident or influential adult that triggered this midlife transformation.

Midlife Crisis Triggers

In a midlife crisis, these subconscious messages are triggered by major events such as a big move to a distant place, the death of a mother or father, the loss of financial security, a child who moves away to college or a serious illness.

During this troubling time, your spouse or partner is in effect “pushed” by a wave of emotions that they can’t control. These subconscious messages are HIGHLY emotional, and come NOT as words, but as urges, needs, and longings.

IMPORTANT: realize your spouse will not know, acknowledge, or accept the source of those feelings – even if you point it out!

Those urges, needs and longings cannot be remembered but they are often described as a need to “find myself, find happiness or start living my life”.

Midlife crisis behavior is highly erratic compared to your spouse’s behavior during your younger years together.  It appears as a need to feel younger, prettier, more attractive, more talented, more fun, and more appealing…especially to the opposite sex.

What Creates Chaos Kids?

While most midlife crisis cases can be traced back to obvious childhood abandonment, abuse, or neglect, there are situations where the child’s discontentment was more…subtle.

If you fall into this category, you might be thinking, “I know my spouse’s entire family and there was NO chaos whatsoever in their home.”

But here’s what you don’t know.

And it’s more important than little stories you’ve heard here and there or what you personally know about the family as an outsider. Your spouse’s PERCEPTION IS their reality.

Think of it this way.

As a child, we are awake about 16 hours a day during our first 10 years. Like a sponge, we’re absorbing messages from our mother and father for about 53,000 hours.

During those 53,000 hours, as a child, we don’t have a way to debate, disagree, reinterpret, or somehow change the messages they give us.  They just pour in and stored in our subconscious mind. And we accepted them as our own.

These messages could be kind and supportive:

“You’re the greatest daughter a dad could have.” or “No matter what you do, I will always love you.” or “No matter how many times you fail, get up and try again.”

Or they can be painful and toxic:

“Are you so stupid that you can’t figure it out on your own?” or “Don’t be so selfish!” or “You’re just as pathetic as your damn father!”

But sometimes, it’s not that obvious.

If your partner is a sensitive person, they could have grown up in a home where their father or mother were perceived as insensitive.

The Black Sheep

You know the story of a black sheep, right?

In a seemingly normal family of 4, one child in particular feels, well…different. They might have felt unheard, rejected, or that one parent was indifferent to their feelings.

From the outside – they were a perfect family with well-adjusted children. But behind closed doors, your partner’s perception might be a whole different story. When a child needs their father’s sensitivity, but didn’t get it, this alone can create chaos.

The Princess

Let’s look at another scenario. I call it “the princess”.

As odd as it might sound, some women are groomed to become a “princess” at an early age.

For men, the scenario looks like this: Your wife was put on a pedestal. She got everything and anything she wanted as a girl AND as an adult – to the point that she now feels entitled to anything she wants – especially from you!

“My father would always…(fill in the blank), why can’t you?!”

A constant comparison to her father along with some very unrealistic expectations can leave you feeling like the walls are closing in.

Now I realize this doesn’t sound like a “bad childhood”. But here’s the problem.

Children can’t handle being put on a pedestal.

The father (or mother) was getting an emotional need met by making their daughter princess material. They glorified her and she became what they wanted her to be.

Children sense they don’t like it, or don’t deserve it. They notice other kids don’t get the same treatment. It’s a sense of being treated unfairly because they are “special”, though inside they don’t feel that way. They sense there is something wrong because they are different.

As a man, your “princess wife” has massive needs and expectations. She feels guilt, yet she is arrogant and sensitive.

Though completely different scenarios, the princess childhood and the “black box” childhood can each create similar midlife crisis outcomes as an adult.

Black Box Childhood

Has your husband or wife ever said, “I don’t remember my childhood”?

What this means, is that they have many painful memories that were suppressed and can’t be easily remembered. This is a form of protection by the subconscious mind so they can function in what appears to be a normal life.

Chaos Kids don’t often talk about childhood. In fact, they play it down a great deal.

Back when you were dating, it would be likely that your spouse avoided the topic of childhood or mentioned it only briefly as a negative reference.

Eventually, you may have sensed this was an “off limits” topic and did not bring it up again…until now. If this sounds familiar, chances are good that your spouse experienced some type of trauma during childhood that they either doesn’t remember – or don’t want to discuss.

The world looks at a family from the outside and judges by appearances – which are most likely WRONG. There are many things that shape us as children in a good OR bad way.

Grandparents, teachers, mentors, coaches, siblings, friends, the list goes on and on. Since perception is governed by emotions and no two people are the same, we are always going to view things differently.  The only way to know the truth is through the individual.

After all – their perception IS their reality.

Heal Yourself, Heal Your Marriage

Is your husband or wife going through a midlife crisis? Are you wondering if there is still hope for your marriage?

Book a call with me to find out if my approach will work for your marriage.

FAQ’s

Conclusion

A spouse in midlife crisis and you’re not ready to give up hope just yet, book a call if you want to:

• Learn to attract your spouse like no one else can
• Turn yourself into the most desirable man or woman in your spouse’s eyes
• Get rid of the bad feelings between you and your spouse

The cause of your spouse’s midlife crisis didn’t start with you, but this is your journey and you can take charge of it and create a life filled with happiness – regardless of what is happening around you.

Suffering is ultimately a choice. Remain paralyzed by fear – or take action now.