My Wife Wants a divorce, But I don’t
The other day, I received a heart-wrenching phone call. A man, on the brink of despair, confessed, “My wife wants a divorce, but I don’t. What do I do?”
It often begins with subtle signs you might not notice…at first.
Your wife looks at you less often. She spends more time on her phone. She no longer smiles and laughs like she used to. (At least not with you anyway.)
And that’s just the beginning. Little signs turn into big signs until one day you realize – WAIT. Something has changed.
Divorce Warning Signs
You know that saying “listen to your gut”?
It’s the widely known and well-publicized advice we know we should listen to, but for some inexplicable reason – we rarely do.
It’s easy to overlook subtle signs when you’re consumed with work, school, social life, and other responsibilities we prioritize above our marriage.
That’s why so many men are caught off guard when their wife tells them it’s over.
While you were arguing over small things, spending countless hours at work, or letting yourself go physically, she was quietly drifting away emotionally until one day, you’re hit with the shocking news that your wife wants to separate.
So here’s the big question, are you losing her heart – or have you already lost it?
Signs Your Wife Wants a Divorce
How many of these signs sound familiar? Let me know in the comments below.
- She’s less affectionate
- She talks with you less
- She stops texting as often as she used to
- She stops calling like she used to
- She’s become more critical and picks on you
- She smiles and laughs less
- She looks at you less often
- She often sleeps in another room
- She spends a lot of time on her phone
- She asks you no questions about your life
- She goes out without saying when she’ll return
- She gets home at 2am in the morning
- She refuses to talk about who she was with or lies about it
- She’s working hard to lose weight
- She’s spending time with new divorced girlfriends
- She wears more revealing clothes
- She wears more makeup
- She fixes her hair when she did not before
- She does not suggest going to places you enjoy together
- She will not say who is on the phone
- She gets breast augmentation surgery or plans on it
If more than half of this list rings true for your wife, she’s well on her way to falling out of love with you. In other words, your momentum is moving in the wrong direction.
And the more you continue down this path, the more this list will grow until one day she decides she’s “done” (if she hasn’t already).
Whether you’re married or unmarried, divorce or no divorce, intimate relationships are a matter of the heart.
If you’re like most men, you know she’s changing but you might struggle to pinpoint the problem. You might have even confronted her – or said nothing at all.
But there’s no denying that nagging feeling in your gut. The fear that the worst could be true – your love is fading and you’re losing her.
The 8 Steps to Divorce
Wife wants a divorce? You’re not alone. Did you know roughly 70% of divorces are filed by women?
These are the 8 steps that brought you here. The following steps express your wife’s feelings in levels. They may help you understand what’s happening to you as you transition from one step to the next. These are the emotions you experience as your love begins to fade.
STEP1) HAPPY: You both feel committed, plenty of conversation, you feel safe, connected, trusted.
STEP 1) COMFORTABLE: Commitment is there, but also selfishness, putting priority on your own interests, giving your time away to other people, reluctant to talk about difficult topics.
STEP 3) CONFUSED: Still committed, but often misunderstood, making each other the last priority.
STEP 4) STRUGGLING: Each of you are frustrated, have resentment, blaming at times, you are both fighting to be right.
STEP 5) MISERABLE: Emotionally shut down, defensive, attacking each other. It is in this phase that you might find your wife keeps threatening divorce, but hasn’t pulled the trigger yet.
STEP 6) POINT OF NO RETURN: Avoidant, excluding each other, planning a future without your spouse, or talking to a lawyer.
STEP 7) THE SNAP LINE: One of you is convinced, cold, done, closed, disconnected.
STEP 8) DIVORCE: The entire relationship has become transactional, hostile or platonic, competitive or filled with negative attitudes.
What Step Are You In?
The spouse with the most childhood pain is the first to travel through the steps to divorce.
Eventually, the other spouse follows. They either wake up in a state of panic to save the marriage, they give up and throw in the towel, or they’re somewhere in between.
What Should You Do?
Look at the words contained in the columns CONFUSED through SNAP LINE and ask yourself what percentage of those 25 negative words describe your wife’s behavior right now?
The more words describe her behavior, the more of her heart you’ve lost.
Don’t make the common mistake of thinking this scale is reflecting nothing more than mood swings.
Look for repeating patterns across the CONFUSED to SNAP LINE steps.
You might be tempted to confront your wife openly about this list, but that would be a mistake. At best, she’ll agree. More likely, she’ll attack you for things you’ve done in the past.
What’s She Thinking?
Think of it this way. In your wife’s mind, she’s dropped small hints over the years, made suggestions, and expressed unhappiness about various aspects of your relationship.
But a funny thing happened.
YOU. WEREN’T. LISTENING.
Whether its oversight or just plain optimism, men tend to sweep “small things” like this under the rug. It’s an easy mistake to make, especially if it’s how your dad handled conflict.
And gradually, it’s a slow boil. Discontentment evolves into frustration. Frustration into resentment. And resentment into anger.
Days turn into months, months into years, and years into decades.
Until eventually… she decides enough is enough and begins to quietly formulate her exit plan.
Midlife Crisis Triggers
The exception to this “slow boil” experience is when your wife suddenly “snaps” and experiences a dramatic personality change. This is otherwise known as a midlife crisis.
Typically, it happens when a major life change takes place like:
- The death of a parent or important grandparent
- A move across states/countries
- Loss of a child/serious illness in the family
- Child leaving the home/empty nest
- Major career change
The key thing to remember here is that the “framework” for a midlife crisis was built long ago during childhood. The more abandonment, abuse, or neglect she experienced as a child, the more likely she is to fall into a midlife crisis.
For more insights into women in midlife crisis and how to address this challenge, explore this free midlife crisis resource.
Wife Wants Divorce but Refuses Counseling
When your wife wants divorce and you don’t, a common mistake is suggesting couples therapy.
If she’s already well into the emotional steps to divorce mentioned earlier, agreeing to therapy may be a way for her to seek validation for her decision rather than a genuine effort to reconcile.
In other words, she wants to prove she is right and you are wrong.
Why?
It’s simple. In every marriage, there is a learner and a non-learner. The spouse seeking advice and trying to “fix” the relationship is the learner. (Likely it’s you).
And then we have the non-learner. A non-learner has no interest in self-help books, articles, or experts – especially if the recommendation is coming from you.
Non-learners are defensive, cautious, and find it difficult to trust others. Typically, they are the “leaving spouse”.
Man or woman, this individual is the one with the greatest amount of past trauma or pain who views YOU – as the cause of it (regardless of whether you actually caused it or not). On the other hand, a learner has an open mind, while a non-learner does not.
The learner is also in pain, but they of the mindset of “I need to fix this. I need to save her.”
The good news?
Pain + motivation = a great determination to succeed in your journey to save your family.
Conclusion
If you find yourself in the painful reality of your wife wanting a divorce, begin by understanding the underlying reasons.
Finally, a word of warning…
Over the past 20+ years working with couples, countless men have asked questions like:
“Can’t you just talk to my wife”?
“If she could only hear what you have to say….”
“If she just realized what is happening to her….”
But the reality is this. No expert, counselor, family member, article or video can convince a woman to change her mind once you’ve lost her heart.
But that doesn’t mean it’s over.
It just means that you, the learner, have some work to do.
All hope is not lost as long as YOU – haven’t given up.
For now, avoid “playing therapist”. Don’t send her resources and don’t share new insights you’ve gained into what she might be going through.
It Only Takes ONE Person To Heal a Marriage
Despite popular belief that healing a marriage requires the effort of both partners, Larry Bilotta’s students have proven that self-transformation can be a powerful catalyst for change, even when all hope seems lost.
By becoming the best version of yourself, you can take steps to heal and grow, emerging from this challenging experience stronger and more resilient.
By prioritizing your own well-being and becoming the best version of yourself, you can save your family through this heal yourself, heal your marriage approach.
Book a complementary call with Larry Bilotta to learn more.
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